Bring on the Knockouts: The Euros Week 2 Highlights

The group stages are my favorite part of major tournaments.

Duh, they're not as high-stakes as the knockouts. But I love them because they can provide moments of incredible pride for countries that are generally overlooked on the international stage.

Like when this Turkish journalist lost his mind over Arda Güler's goal.

Or when the Ukrainian fans saluted their team after an emotional win over Slovakia. Everyone cried, including me.

And of course, comedy abounds—because England fans never stop believing that "football's coming home" and they're drinking themselves silly on promises of glory.

Lastly, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the tournament's incredible musical contingent.

It's been so much fun. Auf Wiedersehen to the group stages and Wilkommen to the knockouts!

Who's advancing to the knockouts?

The top 2 teams in every group automatically advance to the knockout rounds. Additionally, the four best third-place finishers also move forward. The advancing teams include:

• Germany (#1 seed in Group A)
• Switzerland (#2 seed in Group A)
• Spain (#1 seed in Group B)
• Italy (#2 seed in Group B)
• England (#1 seed in Group C)
• Denmark (#2 seed in Group C)
• Austria (#1 seed in Group D)
• France (#2 seed in Group D)
• Romania (#1 seed in Group E)
• Belgium (#2 seed in Group E)
• Portugal (#1 seed in Group F)
• Turkey (#2 seed in Group F)
• Slovenia (#3 seed in Group C)
• Netherlands (#3 seed in Group D)
• Slovakia (#3 seed in Group E)
• Georgia (#3 seed in Group F)

Scotland, Poland, Serbia, Croatia, Hungary, Albania, Ukraine, and Czechia have been eliminated.

Drama in Group B

Predictably, Germany sailed through as winners of Group A, while Switzerland likewise advanced as the runner-up team. So far, so boring.

But Group B was a different story.

With Spain cruising to victory over Albania, that left Croatia and Italy battling it out for a second place finish. Croatia needed a win; Italy just needed a tie.

It was Croatia who took a 1-0 lead in the second half after Luka Modric and company showed remarkable resilience to rebound from a failed penalty kick. The Croats also dug deep to hold off wave after wave of attacking Azzurri—and with 97+ minutes played, the game seemed all but won.

But the football gods giveth and the football gods taketh away!

Italy advanced once again, in what would be the last kick of the game. This time, Mattia Zaccagni's strike was true.

In the aftermath, the Croats sank to their knees. With qualification hopes hanging in the balance, a tie had never felt more like a loss.

Luka was named Man of the Match, after his goal made him the oldest man to ever score at the Euros.

Have you ever seen an unhappier man to win this award?! Because I have not. Luka looks the way I feel when my local bookstore-slash-coffee-bar tells me they just sold the last chocolate croissant.

In fact, Luka is so traumatized by the events of the game that he's decided to retire. Although, at close to 39 years old, it might be time.

"I'd like to keep playing for ever, but there will probably come a time when I have to hang up my boots," Luka told The Athletic, shortly after calling football "cruel" and "merciless."

The biggest surprise?

The biggest surprise of the tournament hasn't been how snooze-worthy England and France have been, but how good Austria has been. On Tuesday, the Austrians beat the Netherlands to top a group of death that included France and de Oranjes.

You could argue that the Austrians have made their own luck in landing on the more favorable side of the knockout bracket.

So much of Austria's success can be attributed to manager Ralf Rangnick and his dedication to the high press. However, the squad struck a modest tone in light of all they've accomplished thus far.

"If you beat the Netherlands and finish first in the group, then you can't be so bad," midfielder Marcel Sabitzer boasted boastfully after the match.

Harry Kane hits back at the British media

Meanwhile over in the group of boring death, England have qualified for the Round of 16, but the noise coming from the British media hasn't been nice. The shame is that former England players have wasted no time in decrying their national side.

After the Three Lions tied Denmark in disappointing fashion, current BBC pundit and one-time England striker Gary Lineker said they'd played "like sh**."

Enter Harry Kane. Our #9 doesn't speak much—or very eloquently—but in as poised a speech I've heard him make, Harry called for positivity in the ranks. "What ex-players have to realize is that it is very hard not to listen to [the criticism] now, especially for some players who are not used to it or who are new to the environment," he said.

"I would never disrespect any player," Harry continued. "All I would say is remember what it is like to wear the shirt and that their words are listened to. You do hear it. We all want to win a major tournament. Being as helpful as they can and building the lads up with confidence would be a much better way of going about it."

(To be fair to the viewers though, a group where everyone tied each other 0-0 is no fun. Give us penalties or give us death! Wait, no, actually don't give us penalties; England's record in penalty kicks is horrendous.)

This whole situation is like that time in 2023 when U.S. Women's captain Lindsey Horan slammed Fox Sports pundit Carli Lloyd for saying that the U.S. didn't care about winning anymore. For context, the U.S. had just tied Portugal 0-0 in the group stages of the Women's World Cup.

To paraphrase Lindsey: Carli, no one was any good when you played! Everybody else is really good now and it's hard, OK?

Cristiano Ronaldo, the icon

With the Euros, Olympics, and Copa America happening simultaneously, pundits won't stop screaming about the Summer of Stars. I guess it's true—at the very least, the cult of Ronaldo is alive and well.

We saw evidence of this at the Euros when a group of fans tried to run onto the field to snap a selfie with their hero. One plucky 10-year-old was successful.

Per The Daily Mail, little Berat leapt out of the stands and evaded pitch organizers —à la Thomas Brodie-Sangster in the airport scene of "Love Actually"—to reach Ronaldo. Ronaldo was actually cool with this and gamely posed for a photo with the young fan, probably because CR7 famously loves kids.

Said Berat, "I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight now!!"

Said UEFA, "Additional security measures will be deployed in stadiums to further meet requirements of the tournament and to prevent such incidents happening."

The Outtakes

Some things you might have missed:

• This Turkish fan who decided to paint his face red and adorn his mustache with little figurines of Patrick from "Spongebob Squarepants" (???)

• These fans who took swings at each other by insulting the opposing team's culinary delicacies (??!!)

• That time 16-year-old Spanish star Lamine Yamal still had to finish his homework, despite playing in the Euros

• That time Belgium's Amadou Onana proved he could code switch like nobody's business

Before I sign off, is there a team you're supporting? Because if you don't have a dog in this fight, you might consider throwing your support behind England. Per the above, we could use all the positive vibes, please and thank you.

Sincerely,

a delusional England fan praying her team scores more than one goal in the next match