December Update: Five EPL Highlights & A Wedding

Turkey and cranberry sauce! Festive fixtures! Bukayo Saka's hamstring giving out! Christmas at two different houses!

Just when you thought the holidays couldn't get any crazier, I also got married on December 27th.

I will return with your regularly scheduled programming come gameweek 20. In the meantime, please enjoy a gif of Napoleon Dynamite dancing.

That said, I know you're not reading this just for ~~vibes, so here are five footballing highlights from the month of December.

This is footballing history & you're living it

Recently, I wrote about Chelsea's potential as title contenders. But this is football and everything fluctuates! Even more than your bank account in the month of December!

Since writing that post, Chelsea have lost to both Fulham and Ipswich, marking historic victories for the latter two teams. For Fulham, it was the first time they'd won at Stamford Bridge since 1979, and the 95th minute winner piled on the drama.

Fa-la-la-no-fun-for-Chelsea.

I've already watched this vid (below) of Fulham manager Marco Silva, the fans, and the team celebrating three times in a row because it's freezing cold outside and I deserve nice things.

Meanwhile, as for Ipswich, I didn't actually tune into the game so much as I inhaled a burger, watched Newcastle thrash Manchester United, and checked the score on my phone. But don't think I'm disinterested! A girl can only do so much multi-tasking.

Please give me all the credit for reading about the match. My conclusion: The two standouts (for opposing reasons) were Ipswich's Liam Delap and Chelsea's Joao Felix. Liam gave the Chelsea defense problems from the start, and it was his run into the box that led to the 'keeper bringing him down, and the subsequent penalty (which he converted). Conversely, we have Joao Felix. Things would have been different for Chelsea had Joao timed his run properly in the first half. (His ensuing goal was ruled out for offside.) When manager Enzo Maresca subbed him off, Joao was disgruntled to say the least.

Losses to Ipswich, Fulham, and a tie to Everton have put a serious pin in Chelsea's title aspirations. They've now slipped down to fourth place, but (even worse), they're looking over their shoulder at Newcastle.

In hindsight, looks like Enzo's decision to not talk about the title race was a good one.

Christmas is all about Jesus

Yes the prophet, but in this context I'm talking about the Brazilian.

I'm delighted to inform you that, after a tough year, Arsenal's Gabriel Jesus has remembered how to score goals. The No 9 scored a hattrick in the Carabao Cup against Crystal Palace, following it up with goals in the league matches against Crystal Palace and Brentford.

Gabi Jesus' sudden return to form literally could not come at a better time because Bukayo Saka underwent hamstring surgery and is slated to be out for the next two months+. I would be delighted to donate one or both of my own hamstrings to the cause, but I've been informed that it doesn't work that way. Get well soon, Bukayo!!!

Back to Jesus. Gabi Jesus has chalked up his goalscoring spell to "hard work," explaining,

“I keep working and everyone at the club can tell how I work every day, not just me but everyone. I don’t give up and it is not easy to play for a big club like Arsenal. Now I can score and I am very happy – I want to keep scoring to help the team.”

Honorable mention goes to another Brazilian, Gabi Martinelli, who scored in the same Brentford match, and got an Arsenal scarf thrown to him by the travelling supporters. Things you love to see!

Could Man U get relegated?

Manchester United manager Ruben Amorin is like your BFF that loves to talk about the worst case scenario. He's that girl that's all, "I'm not saying he would cheat, but if he ever did ..."

In football parlance, he's like, "But what if we got relegated?"

Man U have been ever-present at the top tier of English football since they were last relegated after the 1973-74 season. But they currently sit 14th in the table, just 7 points off the relegation zone. And their woes were compounded over the festive season, when captain Bruno Fernandes got red carded against Wolves. It's his third red card of the season.

So these relegation fears are not totally unfounded, I guess. And as my dad says, "I no longer fear playing Manchester United."

Anyway, Ruben's out here trying desperately to galvanize his players by reminding them of how embarrassing it'd be if they were part of the Man U squad that got relegated. The Athletic even ran an article estimating how much money the franchise would lose if indeed they dropped to the Championship. Everyone, it seems, is gleefully watching Man U's dumpster fire of a season and praying for the worst to happen. As Ruben told the BBC,

"I think that it [relegation] is a possibility. We have to be clear with our fans. It is also my fault. The team is not improving."

Take heart, though. New Year New Manchester United?

The (Sandro) Tonali effect

No one will blame you for being like, "Sandro who?". The Italian was previously banned for gambling breaches and the timeline around his ban was confusing. (Or maybe just to me, IDK.) Regardless, he's back now! And Sandro has been transformative at Newcastle United since manager Eddie Howe figured out how to deploy him most effectively.

Prior to December, Newcastle were like Tottenham: unable to string together back-to-back wins. The turning point was the Brentford match (which they lost) on December 7. Since then, the Magpies have won all games across competitions (5 in total). So what changed? Sandro Tonali, that's who.

In a nutshell, Eddie figured out that playing Sandro as a No 6 (a defensively-minded midfielder), brings out the best in both Sandro and captain Bruno Guimaraes (whom he deploys as a No 8). It's been a goal fest ever since, with Newcastle scoring 16 goals and conceding just one.

Not only that, but it was the Bruno-Sandro combination that led to the goals against Man U and Aston Villa.

I personally like to see Newcastle do well. Just not against Arsenal.

Spotlight on your Aston Villa strikers

I was playing my younger brother in Fantasy Premier League ~a week ago, when TWO of his starting XI received red cards. He got negative points and I won. So thank you, Jhon Duran (and Bruno Fernandes), thank you very much.

Jhon Duran landed studs up on Fabian Schar and got a straight red. Bruno got two yellows.

In general, Jhon Duran gets a lot of criticism for his bad attitude, and this was fully on display when he angrily kicked a water bottle after the sending-off. Aston Villa manager Unai Emery turned his head away to avoid looking at Jhon because he was so mad at him. Petty!

Jhon is fighting for a starting spot with Ollie Watkins, hero of England's Euros semifinal against the Netherlands last summer, and all-around stand-up guy. But where Jhon is criticized for being a hothead, pundits speculate that Ollie doesn't have enough of an "edge."

That's why it was nice to see Ollie's emphatic celebration after scoring a penalty against Brighton this week. The striker repeatedly pointed to the badge on his chest and stabbed his finger at the pitch, as if to say, "This is MY turf."

Yes, Ollie! Things you love to see part two.

Other things you might have missed

• Liverpool lead the league by 6 points, with a game in hand (talk about a goalfest, my word)
• Tottenham, especially striker Son Heung-Min, are struggling
• Southampton are still really bad
• Ditto Manchester City / Stay Humble FC
• Could Nottingham Forest nab a Champion's League spot this year? I hope so!

Stay tuned for gameweek 20 next week, once I've had time to actually wash the bedsheets and re-organize my life in the wake of Christmas chaos.

Happy New Year!