Euros Wrap-Up: Your Oh Yeas & Oh Nos

As someone who has done a pretty thorough job forgetting everything taught in a high school math/science classroom, I've surprisingly retained Isaac Newton's Three Laws of Motion. Kudos to my 11th grade physics teacher Mr. Lind, I guess?

As my buddy Isaac once said, "For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

In football terms this means: Every time a player does something good on the pitch, another player does something equally catastrophic! And at the 2024 Euros, we certainly saw it all—from incredible, last gasp goals, to cringeworthy OGs, to Cristiano Ronaldo's tears, and everything in between.

Keep scrolling for the best of the "Oh Yeas" and "Oh Nos" of the 2024 Euros.

P.S. I'm not a sore loser (just a little bummed), so congrats to Spain! La Roja were an electric side throughout, and deserved tournament winners.

The Oh Yeas

That Lamine Yamal goal

ICYMI, does everyone know this dude just turned 17?

For context, he was doing his homework at the Euros. For added context, I saw a stat that said he was 12 when COVID-19 hit.

I too have aged 100 years since the onset of the pandemic, but Lamine aged best of all, if firecracker goals are the benchmark here.

His absolute banger of a goal in the semi-final against France was one for the ages, and made him the youngest-ever scorer at the Euros. It was even sweeter given French midfielder Adrien Rabiot had been talking smack about Lamine just before the game.

Lamine had the poise to yell, "Speak now" into the camera after scoring—which is objectively the coolest comeback in the history of time, ever.

Redemption for Bukayo Saka

A quick refresher: In 2021, England played Italy in the final of the Euros, and the match went to penalty kicks. Then 19-year-old Bukayo Saka took a penalty kick, along with Marcus Rashford and Jadon Sancho. All three missed. All three—who are Black—were subjected to vile racial abuse.

Fast forward to 2024, when Bukayo coolly equalized with a brilliant goal in the dying stages of the quarterfinal match against Switzerland. When the game eventually went to penalty kicks, he calmly stepped up to take a penalty, even after everything he'd been through back in 2021.

“You can fail once but you have a choice whether you put yourself in that position again or not and I’m a guy that is going to put myself in that position,” Saka said after the fact.

He scored, but the point I'm making is less about his fantastic penalty and more about his moral character.

B received lots of sweet messages from his admirers—including Prince William FWIW—but this one from Jadon was emotional.

Turkish delight

Turkey climbed 16 places in the FIFA World Rankings after the Euros concluded, which should tell you plenty about how this team rocked the global stage.

Not only did Turkey make it out of the group stages with the same amount of points as tourney favorites Portugal, they made it all the way to the quarterfinals—and still went up 1-0 on the Netherlands in the first half.

Their improbable run was made even more fun by the huge Turkish diaspora in Germany, which made them the second home nation of the Euros. Special shout-out to winger Arda Güler, who was instrumental to the team's success, and goalkeeper Mert Gunok, who channeled his inner Gordon Banks to make what many considered to be the save of the tournament.

Jude Bellingham's bicycle kick

Honestly, the English media need to find a new hobby beyond bullying their men's National team. The lads were mocked after underwhelming at the group stage, with captain Harry Kane dishing out some sharp words for pundits.

But if there was one courageous act that turned the tide of media hate, it was Jude Bellingham's incredible overhead bicycle kick in the dying stages of the quarterfinal match against Slovakia.

That one moment of brilliance was all it took. England won the match, and went on to progress all the way to the final.

The fastest goal in Euros history

What do you know about Albania?

Google tells me they're known for their religious tolerance. OK, go off Google.

I'd counter that by saying Albania's historic goal at the Euros is way more exciting.

Twenty-three seconds was all it took for Albania's Nedim Bajrami to pounce on a poor throw-in from Italy and lash it into the roof of the net.

This obliterated the previous fastest-ever goal of 67 seconds (condolences to Dmitri Kirichenko of Russia).

Christian Eriksen's comeback

On June 12, 2021, Denmark's Christian Eriksen suffered a heart attack on the pitch at the Euros. As a group of doctors worked frantically to save the midfielder's life, no one knew if he was going to live or not. Certainly, no one thought about him playing again.

But Christian prevailed—and with the aid of a Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator, resumed playing for his club.

At the 2024 Euros, Christian was named in Kasper Hjulmand's squad for Denmark. When he scored in their opening match against Slovenia, it was a reminder of how fairy tales do occasionally play out IRL.

This was so much bigger than just supporting Denmark. This was about witnessing a triumph of the human spirit.

Mikel Merino gets up like a salmon

My dad has this thing he says—actually lots of things!—but this one thing is, "get up like a salmon."

Out of context, it sounds weird. The context is that my dad, a former footballer, coach, and all-around football aficionado, always told his players to get up like a salmon. As in, be brave, get up high, and compete for the ball.

Because a salmon is the pinnacle of athleticism here.

In an extremely exciting quarterfinal match between Spain and Germany, the game was deep into extra time, with penalties looming. Enter Spain's Mikel Merino.

When Mikel jumped in front of goal (and seemingly hung suspended there) before twisting his head athletically to head the ball home, Dad texted our group chat.

"That is how you get up!"

It was a brave goal from a Spanish side who up until that point, I'd thought were totally gassed. But you just can't keep a plucky salmon down!

England's penalty technique

One inglorious part of English football history is that we've typically sucked at penalty kicks. But this new generation of lads is bucking the label and proving that we don't have to live burdened by the sins of our footballing forefathers.

England's penalty kicks against Switzerland in the quarterfinals were arguably the best of the tournament, with all five players coolly converting in front of goal. Not only that but all of them (Ivan Toney, Bukayo Saka, Cole Palmer, Trent Alexander-Arnold, and Jude Bellingham) were of Black heritage.

A deep dive into England's penalty technique revealed that ex-manager Gareth Southgate had assigned each penalty taker a "buddy," presumedly to provide support and counsel. Whereas Switzerland head-coach Murat Yakin spoke to the entirety of the Swiss squad ahead of the shootouts, Gareth spoke solely to the penalty takers and their buddies in an effort to minimize distraction.

"[England has] invented a way to approach this individual event as a collective, team event," Geir Jordet, author of the book "Pressure: Lessons From the Psychology of the Penalty Shootout," told The Athletic. "They have a structure for preventing the players from going at this alone. A support structure takes down the pressure just a little bit."

Honorable mention: That boy who ran out on the pitch to get a selfie with Ronaldo and successfully evaded security, everything Nico Williams does, the amazing contingent of traveling Scottish fans, Ollie Watkins' face after scoring against the Netherlands, Cole "Cold" Palmer's epic goal in the final, Matthias Zaccagni's goal against Croatia, Austria's epic win against the Netherlands, etc.

The Oh Nos

Slovenia's penalties

Much ado was made of Diogo Costa's goalkeeping feats, after he saved three consecutive penalties in the quarterfinal against Slovenia.

Media lost their chill. Everyone was screaming about the Portuguese player becoming the first 'keeper in history to save three penalties in a single shootout at the Euros.

Not to take anything away from Mr. Costa, but Slovenia's penalties were bad. Like, really bad.

The PKs were on target, but that's about all you can say about them.

Turkey's Own Goal

The 2024 Euros saw the lowest tally from a Golden Boot winner (3 measly goals) since 2012. Own Goal, by contrast, scored 10 goals.

Perhaps the most egregious instance of an Own Goal occurred in Turkey's group stage match against Portugal, when Samet Akaydin attempted to pass back to his 'keeper without really looking.

Goalkeeper Altay Bayindir was then forced to scramble backwards in a mad dash to prevent the ball from going in his own net.

Cristiano Ronaldo's tears

Cristiano Ronaldo made headlines throughout Euro 2024, but not for the reason he wanted.

The 39-year-old failed to score in open play and memorably missed a penalty in the game against Slovenia, after which he burst into tears.

He did manage to convert a goal in the ensuing penalty kicks, and I imagine the Cult of Ronaldo is still alive and well, but somehow, I can't see Messi doing this.

Kylian Mbappe's broken nose

When was the last time you had a broken nose? Odds are, you weren't simultaneously playing in the Euros.

After breaking his nose in the group stage match against Austria, Kylian Mbappe was forced to don a protective mask, which hindered his playing ability.

"It's horrible playing with a mask," the French winger told the media. "It ... limits your field of vision, your sweat clogs up and you need to let the sweat out. The first few days I felt like I was wearing 3D glasses and it wasn't me who was playing. ... I hate it. It's really annoying."

In the semifinal match against Spain, Kylian tore off his mask—à la Peter Parker—and went on to assist France's opening goal.

Heroics aside, Spain was just too good.

Romelu Lukaku comes up short when it matters

Big Rom scored 14 goals in 8 appearances for the Euro qualifiers, but he was totally stymied on the big stage. While he did find the back of the net 3 times, all three instances were cancelled out by VAR.

At the Euros, he had the most big chances missed (6) and most disallowed goals (3) of any player.

Big Rom should be consoled, however, by the fact he remains the sweatiest man at every tournament he attends.

Why can't anyone score?

Big Rom isn't the only one who can't score.

Mbappe! Ronaldo! Lewandowski! Modric! Kane! This was supposed to be the summer of stars, but it was more like the summer of snooze—when it came to said superstars actually scoring goals.

Mbappe and Ronaldo both needed penalties to get on the scoreboard. And France was so boring you could partake in a cheese tasting during their games; le fromage would be far superior to their attacking formation.

Kane somehow scored three goals, but even I (a proud English fan), cannot recall him doing much on the pitch.

You can blame lots of things for the aforementioned malaise—fatigue, injury, lack of playing structure that players are used to at their clubs—but surely, elite players find a way to rise above that?

Apparently not. The old guard was just not the It Girl at Euro 2024.

Croatia in crisis

Speaking of old, Luka Modric is one of the tournament's grandfathers, along with Cristiano Ronaldo (who remains in denial about aging) and Pepe, who is basically Methuselah out there on the pitch.

Maybe it's time for Luka to hang up his boots, because even his prodigious skill wasn't enough to lead Croatia to the promised land. Croatia was thrashed 3-0 by Spain in their opener, and only managed to tie Albania in game 2. In the third match of the group stages, they were knocked out with a stoppage time goal by the Italians, who weren't exactly fielding their strongest starting XI.

It certainly seems like this golden generation is going the way of Belgium.

Croatia's tourney can be summed up by Luka's saddest-ever Man of the Match pic.

Italy's kickoff against Switzerland

While I'm roasting the Italians, I might as well highlight their second-half kickoff, which was the worst of the Euros.

After going a goal down to Switzerland, Italy stepped up to take the kickoff—and gave the ball away to Switzerland, who scored less than :30 later. It was like watching a car crash unfold. And it wasn't just me. The Athletic ran a whole article explaining how bad it was. There were diagrams and everything!

Look, Italy won the Euros back in 2021, but that was largely due to organization, and because their veteran defense stepped up. Now, they're a team in transition, with a porous midfield and an A+ goalkeeper in Donnarumma, who's out here just trying to do his level best to keep balls out of the back of the net.

The Azzurri are low-key messy. And it shows!

Honorable mention: Poland's failure to do anything interesting, ditto Scotland, Antoine Griezmann seemingly forgetting how to play football overnight, all of Group C in the group stages, when fans got stranded in Gelsenkirchen for 3+ hours after the match, Ukraine getting knocked out of the Group Stages even though they had 4 points, etc.

Did I miss anything?