Every Premier League Team's 2026 Resolutions

Festive greetings from me and my PJs. Is there anything better than the week between Christmas and New Year's?

Inevitably, the start of every January fools me into believing that I will emerge — like a butterfly from a chrysalis — into a year spent as a better, shinier, smarter, and more successful version of myself. But before that transformation occurs, there's wine, cheese, leftovers, and all the festive fixtures on TV.

And you know footballers are likewise buying into the "New Year New Me" bulls**t. They're making their lists and turning over new leaves and manifesting goals (or clean sheets) and such. Will any of this last beyond mid-January? Absolutely not. But that's not the point. The point is hope. And vibes!

With that spirit in mind, here are my very serious New Year’s resolutions for each of the Premier League clubs.

Arsenal

To win a major trophy

It’s time. No more “we go again,” no more “trust the process,” no more moral victories or xG championships. Our squad is good enough, deep enough, and (most importantly) traumatized enough to finally lift something shiny in 2026. COYG!

Aston Villa

To be taken seriously as title contenders

Villa's social media admin is out here bragging about winning 11 in a row or whatever, but thank god Arsenal reminded them of their place in the pecking order last night. That 4-1 beatdown is going to live rent-free in my head for a while.

Unai Emery has done a fantastic job at Villa and pundits might well talk about them as a "threat," but right now, the squad lives in a very specific limbo: very good, but not quite true title contenders.

Does anyone really think they'll win the Premier League? Be serious.

Bournemouth

To bring back early 2025-26 season vibes

Remember September? Bournemouth were flying high, Antoine Semenyo was on everybody's Fantasy team, and I was backing them as dark horse contenders for the Champions League.

Now they're 15th in the table (fresh off a 4-1 thumping by Brentford in the game before last), playing badly, and no one can tell you why... except that it's definitely not because of AFCON.

Brentford

To find another inspiring goal-scoring duo

Thiago is fine, but you can't tell me you don't miss Bryan Mbeumo and Yoanne Wissa racing down the pitch together in red-and-white stripes at the G-Tech. What a time to be alive that was for the Bees.

Brighton

To keep ripping off Chelsea

Brighton have built a reputation for developing talent, selling players at peak value, and still staying competitive. Meanwhile, Chelsea have done the opposite, basically stocking their squad with Brighton’s cast-offs: Marc Cucurella, João Pedro, Moisés Caicedo, Levi Colwill… the list goes on.

Burnley

To survive the Premier League

Last season, Burnley had the meanest defense in the Championship. But the Premier League is a whole different beast, and the Clarets are out here just doing their best to cling to top-flight football without giving up too many points (or too much dignity) along the way.

Chelsea

To be a profitable team again

Chelsea have casually shelled out billions — on new signings and puffer jackets for Enzo Maresca and Cole Palmer — so maybe their New Year’s resolution should be actually seeing some ROI instead of losing to Leeds.

Crystal Palace

To stop looking so tired all the time

Like Bournemouth, Palace started the season as if they were fueled by Red Bull (à la Jamie Vardy in his heyday), but lately, they look like they're running on fumes. The same players play all the time, Oliver Glasner's frustrations with the club's lack of investment are obvious, and the whispers that he's out in June aren't exactly motivating anyone.

Go get some good sleep, guys!

Everton

To permanently sign Jack Grealish

Jack Grealish is out here living his best life on loan at Everton. This season, he has four assists, two goals, and all the love from the fans, so it's up to David Moyes and co. to make it official. That said, I did see that Jack recently blew an obscene amount of cash at a pre-Christmas strip club (with Kyle Walker, naturally), despite being a new dad and very much committed to Sasha. If you’re going to party, do it in royal blue, I guess?

Fulham

To make headlines

My parents are friends with another couple who are Fulham fans. They're the only Fulham fans I know. No offense, but do you know anybody out there like, "I live and die for Fulham... I bleed for the Cottagers...."?

Year after year, Fulham sit in the middle of the table, quietly doing their thing with zero drama, zero scandal, and zero people noticing. I like them fine, but they're like that middle child you forget about while everyone else in the family fights for the spotlight. In 2026, maybe it's time for Fulham to finally shake things up and make some noise.

Leeds

To break records as the tallest squad in Premier League history

Leeds have made a conscious decision to be collectively enormous. Every week, I watch them take corners and marvel at the fact this team is made up of men who would not look out of place as background Avengers in a Marvel movie.

The best part is that the January transfer window is practically here, so there's time for Leeds to add even more giants to their roster. Another center-back built like a fridge? A striker whose head is already above the crossbar? Why stop now!!

Liverpool

To commit to the rebuild

Mo Salah and Virgil van Dijk look like they're on their way out, and Liverpool's modern golden era was built squarely around them. Coupled with the fact that the club moved on from a chunk of players to make way for the likes of Isak, Ekitike, and Wirtz, the squad feels very much in flux. Rebuilds can be awkward and messy, but teams can come out stronger on the other side. Arsenal is living proof.

And hey, at least we'll always remember VVD for his incredible defensive work iconic twerk.

Also, for that one time he inexplicably decided to play volleyball in the box.

Manchester City

To diversify their revenue streams (with those 115 charges still pending)

Remember when City were slapped with 115 financial rule breaches by the Premier League? That was back in 2023 and a decision still hasn't been reached. In the meantime, City have continued to go about their business as usual... with one caveat: Erling Haaland now has a YouTube channel.

Random? I think not! There's no way Erling just woke up one morning and "decided" to dress up as Santa Claus and terrify surprise small children around Manchester. Nope, I think this whole vlogging business is a master stroke by City to diversify their revenue streams and fund their legal defense via content. How very 2026 of them.

Manchester United

To discover what consistency feels like

Manchester United are a bookie's dream, because every week they play with a new personality and you never know what they'll do. One minute they're scoring four goals, the next minute they're conceding four goals, and somehow both things feel equally unconvincing. So... are United back? Are they washed? Are they both at the same time? Nobody knows!

Newcastle

To figure out how to play football away from St. James' Park

At home, Newcastle are a Serious Football Club. The crowd is feral and teams don't like playing there. But away from the chilly northeast of England, the squad regresses to a Sunday league team and no amount of "howay-ing the lads" can rev them up. Perhaps this is best encapsulated by that time Newcastle lost to a hapless West Ham earlier on in the season. I put money on Newcastle to win and I've never forgiven them for it!

Maybe it would help if Anthony Gordon found the pre-headband version of himself that once looked electric, just saying.

Nottingham Forest

To recover post-Ange Postecoglou

Forest were flying high in the 2024-25 season, but all it took was a month of Ange Postecoglou to bring them crashing back to earth.

Last season, Champions League football felt like a realistic north star. But now? Forest aren’t chasing Europe or dreaming big — they’re focused on staying up, steadying the ship, and agreeing that the first few months of this season were a weird collective hallucination.

Ange, buddy, if you’re reading this, it’s nothing personal. Tottenham fans can tell you: this is just kind of how it goes.

Sunderland

To keep doing exactly what they've been doing

No one expected Sunderland to be sitting in 7th place at the start of the New Year. They’re over-performing and have easily been the biggest success story of the 2025–26 season so far. They don’t care about narratives, they don't care about the status quo, and they definitely don’t care about Newcastle’s feelings.

Keep on trucking, Sunderland — we’ll be waiting for you at the Emirates soon. 👀

Tottenham

To land a manager who doesn't have a public countdown clock on his tenure

Antonio Conte. Ange Postecoglou. Thomas Frank. It’s been a revolving door of jokers over at Spurs in recent years, and you know what they say: chaos starts from the top. Maybe if Tottenham finally had a stable, quality manager who’s been tested in the Premier League, they’d become a stable, quality team? Then again… maybe not.

West Ham

To survive... and to keep Jarrod Bowen happy

Relegation is no longer a hypothetical for West Ham, but a real, looming possibility. Jarrod Bowen remains the one bright spot, carrying the attack on his back like a man who knows he deserves better. And if West Ham go down, there's no world in which Bowen sticks around.

P.S. Jarrod Bowen will likely leave at the end of the season if the Hammers continue to tank, so this is basically a lose-lose situation.

Wolves

To avoid becoming the new Derby 2007-08

Forget avoiding relegation, because Wolves are already doomed. At this point, the best-case scenario is avoiding the ignominy of becoming the team with the worst record in Premier League history. That dubious honor belongs to Derby, who finished the 2007-08 season with just 11 points. But I fear even this might be asking for too much – as Wolves have yet to win a game and we're already halfway through the season.

Happy 2026, y'all!