Gameweek 24: The Highlights

Happy post-Super Bowl week, fam!

I come to you fresh off of a grueling workweek, in which I wrote a 2,600 word white paper about cyber fraud for a freelance client. I know zilch zip zero about cyber fraud, and researching it on top of my day job turned my brain into clam chowder. Happily, sporting events of the past 10 days have given me life.

Super Bowl LIX saw the Philadelphia Eagles put belt to a** in their systemic dismantling of the Kansas City Chiefs, a blowout that was not unlike Arsenal's 5-1 annihilation of Manchester City. Congrats to the Philly franchise, especially Mr. Jalen Hurts, who's had his phone lockscreen set to that viral picture of his sad face from Super Bowl LVII (when he + the Eagles lost to the Chiefs).

Talk about manifesting. Pop off, king!

But last I checked, this was an EPL blog and here I am talking about the wrong kind of football. Let's get back to Arsenal–and other highlights from Gameweek 24 that you may have missed.

Me and Karma vibe like that

[Inserts all lyrics to Taylor Swift's "Karma"]

As mentioned above, Arsenal's 5-1 win over Manchester City will be living rent-free in my head for years to come.

Indeed, Arsenal's five goals–every single one of which was scored from open play– regrew my bitten fingernails, nourished my unwashed hair, brightened my skin, and healed the wounds that the past two years have inflicted upon me.

The Gunners set the tone in the opening two minutes of the game, capitalizing on a mistake from Manuel Akanji to score. While it's difficult to pick a favorite moment (I have many), I'd be remiss not to mention Myles Lewis-Skelly (MLS)'s debut goal. In what was to be Arsenal's third goal, the 18-year-old dribbled across the box and curled it in. He promptly celebrated with the Erling Halaand zen celebration.

A reminder that in the reverse fixture at the Etihad last September, Haaland yelled at MLS, "Who the f*** are you?"

Well, he knows now.

Further goals from King Kai and MLS's bestie, Ethan Nwaneri (the latter of which came following a sequence in which every single Arsenal player touched the ball) were just icing on the cake.

Kudos to the Arsenal DJ who took petty to new heights by blasting Kendrick Lamar's "Stay Humble" after the game (a further nod to Haaland's infamous "Stay Humble, Eh" comment to Mikel Arteta).

Am I bothered that Newcastle knocked Arsenal out of the Carabao Cup just three days later? Not really.

The lads are now enjoying some well-deserved warm weather training in Dubai. Everyone's there, including Saka, Benny Blanco, and Riccardo Calafiori's full tattoo sleeve. Holla!

BREAKING UPDATE: Since I first started drafting this post, news broke that Kai Havertz tore his hamstring in practice in Dubai. Good thing we signed a striker lololololol.

TBH I'm savoring the Man City thrashing even more in light of this latest injury blow.

Marcus Rashford in claret and blue

Other big news? Marcus Rashford has gone to Aston Villa on loan.

You guys may remember that I waxed poetic a few weeks ago about how Marcus fell out of favor at Manchester United (perhaps due to his habit of partying before matches and lying about it later). The Villa manager, Unai Emery, is very much a disciplinarian–indeed, he basically shipped their other striker, Jhon Duran, off to Saudi because he reportedly had a "bad attitude." But Unai also prides himself on rejuvenating players' careers, so it will be super interesting to see how Marcus fares in the Midlands. Unai told the media that,

"He [Marcus] has huge potential to exploit. I don't want to know the reason he is leaving Manchester but I am very happy keeping him here and trying to recover his performances. My challenge with him is a huge challenge, an exciting challenge."

As for Marcus himself, he seems stoked. A viral video showed him celebrating Villa's goal against Tottenham in the recent FA Cup fixture, and he later shared his own IG post highlighting the Villa win. Most telling of all? Jadon Sancho's comment on said post.

Saying that Jadon did not do well at Manchester United is like saying water is wet.

How embarrassing for you

This weekend we didn't have the regularly scheduled Premier League games (sad!), because of the FA Cup games.

If you're Liverpool manager Arne Slot, this is a great time to throw in your entire third-string squad. Surely they'll be able to beat the mighty Plymouth, who are currently languishing at the bottom of the Championship and have the ignominious honor of conceding the most goals in the division, right?

The victory cost Plymouth defender Nikola Katic's tooth, but Plymouth prevailed 1-0 against the Reds.

Slot probably made too many changes, resting Mo Salah, Virgil van Djik, Alexis Mac Allister and company, and expecting a super inexperienced side (+ Darwin Nunez) to take care of business. You could argue that the FA Cup doesn't really matter because Liverpool have bigger fish to fry (as I implied above re: Arsenal losing to Newcastle in the Carabao Cup), but it does put more pressure on the remaining competitions.

You know who have zero fish to fry? Tottenham.

Tottenham manager Ange Postecoglou, Mr. "I-Always-Win-Things-In-My-Second-Year," is on thin ice RN. Spurs' form in the domestic cups has been the only thing he has going for him, but that ice is cracking fast now that Tottenham have been knocked out of two cup competitions in a week.

Angry Ange would like everyone to know that Tottenham are still good, thank you very much. They're just dealing with (in his words) "an extreme situation."

"No, they're tired, mate," he told a member of the press who dared ask whether Tottenham have lost their identity. Ange continued, "Do you think they can press like we would want? [No, because they're too tired.]"

Fair play, Ange. Being tired is the greatest excuse there is and you cannot tell me otherwise.

Goals ^7

Seven is the most magically powerful number. It's the number of days in the week, the number of Horcruxes that Tom Riddle created, and the number of goals that Nottingham Forest scored against Brighton last Saturday.

At the risk of sounding obvious, it's not often a team scores 7 goals in one game. The last time Forest did so was in 1995. I was sucking on ring pops and "The Macarena" was all the rage on the dance floor.

For sure, Forest were aided by Brighton manager Fabian Hurzeler's strange decision to play with one midfielder and five forwards (??), but why quibble? Forest played some beautiful, free-flowing football; more importantly, they were brimming with confidence.

At one point, Morgan Gibbs-White was even celebrating Chris Wood's penalty before the ball went in the net.

May we all live life with this sort of joie de vivre.

P.S. If you watch Champions League, be sure to tune in this week. Yesterday's thriller between Manchester City and Real Madrid was loads of fun (for everyone except the Cityzens), and I hope today's games continue to deliver.