2023-2024 English Premier League Season Superlatives

In commemoration of 38 incredible weeks of last-gasp goals, touchline meltdowns, euphoria, despair, and epic VAR fails, may I present your issue of the 2023-2024 Season Superlatives.

Think senior yearbook, but make it Premier League edition.

Cheers to the class of '24!

Cutest Couple: William Saliba & Gabriel Magalhaes

This season, William ("Wilo") Saliba and Gabriel ("Big Gabi") Magalhaes were the most formidable center-back pairing in the league.

Arsenal conceded the lowest number of goals, recorded the most clean sheets, and faced the fewest shots on target. Arsenal's 'keeper, David Raya, won the Golden Glove — but as one overzealous Instagram user put it, "Give it to saliba an gabby ffs."

As for the magic behind Arsenal's near-impenetrable back wall, the answer is simple: true love!

“I love him, he loves me, so it’s easier to play,” Saliba explained, of the dynamic partnership.

Of course, communication is key in any relationship, so it's fitting that Wilo and Big Gabi speak the same language.

"I speak French. I’m Brazilian, but I speak French," Big Gabi added. "On the pitch it’s very important, the communication. Yeah, we are good friends, and when I need to say ‘hey, Saliba!’ [on the pitch] I say it, and he says to me as well. I think this is good for us. He understands me, I understand him."

Best Dancer: Douglas Luiz

In a February game against Manchester United, Douglas Luiz toe-poked home an equalizer and (in the immortal words of Snoop Dogg) promptly dropped it like it's hot.

Except it was a shimmy, and it was instantly meme-able — so much so that Manchester United legend Rio Ferdinand tweeted directly at Douglas.

Douglas' explanation was that he was just celebrating carnaval in Brazil, albeit on the pitch at Villa Park instead of the streets of Rio de Janeiro.

Best New Celebration: Cole Palmer

This one was a tough call between Phil Foden's new sniper move and ya boy Cole "Ice Cold" Palmer.

Teammate nicknames can be closed-door affairs, but Cole brought his center stage by celebrating as though he's shivering. Hilarious! He lives up to the name too — with those ice cold nerves in front of goal.

Some credit also goes to Middlesbrough's Morgan Rogers, who walked so Cole could fly.

In a 2023 interview with TNT Sports, Cole explained, "My boy did [the cold celebration] for Middlesbrough, Morgs, so I told him I'd do it [too]."

Most Likely to Fail Geography Class: Matty Cash

The Premier League puts out a lot of random content, which I watch when I'm supposed to be working. One such example was when Aston Villa teammates Ollie Watkins and Matty Cash faced off in a game of "LIES."

Matty needed to name 13 European countries in 30 seconds to win the game. Unfortunately, he failed to name 10, capping out somewhere between Spain and England.

"not knowing 13 European countries is a complete shambles," one person commented.

I did not say it, they said it!

Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Pop Star: Alejandro Garnacho

Condolences to Jack Grealish, but it's Alejandro Garnacho who looks like a long-lost member of the Backstreet Boys.

The confidence with which he showcases his bleach blond/brassy blond tones and eyebrow slit has me drawing comparisons to Justin Timberlake's frosted curls circa 2000.

And Britney Spears felt this hairstyle was sexy so anything goes I guess!

Best Transfer: Vincent Kompany

All credit to standout signing Declan Rice, but you know who emerged as the real winner here? Vincent Kompany.

Vincent formerly managed Burnley FC. Though he did get his squad promoted to the Premier League in 2023-24, they were never up to par. But instead of languishing in the second tier of English football, Vince promptly hightailed it over to Germany, where the Bundesliga was happy to welcome him with open arms.

Yup, you're looking at Bayern Munich's newest manager!

Talk about leveling up. Also SEE YA L8R BURNLEY.

2023-24 Breakout Star: Kobbie Mainoo

Sure, Cole Palmer won the Premier League's Young Player of the Season, with Ollie Watkins winning the Playmaker of the Season award, but fans had at least heard of both of them before.

I'm not one to keep up with the Manchester United academy, meaning I didn't know Kobbie Mainoo's name before the season started.

The 18-year-old had a debut season for the ages, scoring 3 goals in 24 appearances for United — but it's been his maturity and poise that has impressed the most. The Athletic referred to him as "a rare figure" who "takes a scalpel, rather than a sledgehammer, to defenses."

Kobbie's stellar performances earned him a senior call-up to the England National Team at the 2024 Euros (and FWIW, he beat out both James Maddison and Jack Grealish for a spot).

Best Dressed: Sean Dyche

I imagine any well-dressed man or woman will tell you that mixing things up (sartorially speaking) is what keeps them looking fresh. Trends are meant to be tried!

No one knows this better than Everton's Sean Dyche, who literally threw out his entire wardrobe to save his squad.

Following a 6-0 hammering by Chelsea in April, Sean did some serious soul searching. Maybe, he mused, the problem didn't lie with his lethargic defense and hapless offense, but with his own stale touchline style?

To Sean's credit, he was willing to lay down the starched suits and ties of yesteryear and join the Tracksuit Managers Club (TMC). The new and improved track-suited Sean led Everton to victory, successfully steering them out of the relegation zone and stomping all over Liverpool's title dreams in the process.

Most Likely to Hit the Crossbar: Darwin Nunez

Did Darwin Nunez have a better season than last year? The stats say yes, albeit with a goal-shaped caveat.

Darwin is a chaotic force up top, and by this I mean he's just as likely to score a fluke brilliant goal as he is to miss a complete sitter.

The Uruguayan ranked second in Big Chances Missed, according to the Premier League. Erling Haaland ranked first, and despite missing big chances, he still scored 27 goals, compared to Darwin's 11.

Most Likely to Hit the Snack Bar: Nicolas Jackson

If Darwin Nunez is rattling the crossbar, then Nicolas Jackson is out here kicking balls into the snack bar. According to the Premier League, Nicolas missed the third-most Big Chances this season (after Erling Haaland and Darwin).

It's unsurprising, given the former Villareal man's go-to move is sprinting full-tilt down the field and then panicking in front of goal.

To be fair, this is Nicolas' first season in the Premier League and it often takes players time to acclimate. Before he got the axe, ex-Chelsea Manager Mauricio Pochettino was supportive of the striker.

"Jackson is young, he arrived this season and there are circumstances that didn't help him perform his best. 'You think we should throw him into the bin and say he's useless?' We have to give [him] confidence," Poch told The Independent in 2023.

Class Clown: VAR

Unfortunately, Video Assistant Referee (VAR) wasn't really funny ha-ha and more like funny terrible.

Some highlights:

• That time VAR incorrectly ruled Luis Diaz's goal as offside against Tottenham, and Liverpool lost the game. After the game, VAR reported that actually the goal was onside, but by then it was too late, no dice Liverpool!
• That time Anthony Gordon maybe kicked the ball out of bounds, might have been offside, and Joelinton might have fouled Gabriel Magalhaes, but VAR found nothing wrong with the ensuing goal. Cue Mikel Arteta going ballistic in the post-match press conference and labeling VAR "embarrassing," "a disgrace" and "a complete waste of time."
• That time Nottingham Forest was so cranky about VAR's apparent failure (in their eyes) to award them three deserved penalties in a match against Everton that they went full scorched earth and straight-up accused the PGMOL of corruption.

At the end of the day, we're probably all with Anthony Gordon on our VAR stance.

"I don't mind the referee getting it wrong on the pitch, but I don't understand the point of VAR. Either get rid of it or get better. It's that simple, there's too many mistakes," Anthony said in May, after he was denied a penalty in a match against Manchester United.

Newcastle manager Eddie Howe added, "I thought it was a penalty. I thought that's what VAR was good at."

Oooh, burn!

Best Smile: Michael Olise

The Frenchman rarely smiles (on the pitch anyway), which is what made his sunshine-y beam in the match against Manchester United so heartwarming.

Cheers to you, Oliver Glasner, for nurturing Michael back to fighting form.

Renaissance Man: Phil Foden

Mr. Foden was this year's Premier League Player of the Season, and a man Pep Guardiola boldly deemed to be the best player in the league.

But did you know Phil is also an avid fisherman, a father, a connoisseur of the high drop fade haircut, a budding brand ambassador, and a collector of Panini football stickers?

If you thought the panini was a delicious grilled sandwich, well, I guess it can be more than one thing. Like Phil.

Phil's fishing prowess has been well-documented, but less noise has been made about his panini collecting, which is a crying shame. Hence, I am here to do the Lord's work and keep you all updated.

In 2022, Phil's girlfriend Rebecca Cooke told The Telegraph that Phil will ask her to go raid stores for Panini football stickers. "We'll be driving along and he's like, 'Stop, they sell stickers there. Go on Bec, can you nip into that shop and get me every pack they've got. I don't want them to know it's me.'"

Phil's mom Claire corroborated his Panini obsession. "Me and his dad FaceTimed [Phil] when he was away with England last month and he's sat there in his room doing his sticker books," she said.

Who would have known that a guy with an eyebrow slit could be so nerdy! Ah, but you know what they say: Never judge a (sticker) book by its cover.

Most Likely to give Usain Bolt a run for his money: Micky van de Ven

According to stats released by the Premier League, Dutchman Micky van de Ven was the fastest player in the league this season. Also, ever.

In the beginning of 2024, Micky clocked in at speeds of 23.22mph during a match against Brentford. Apparently, this is just a smidge slower than Usain Bolt's lightning-fast speeds of 23.35mph in the 100m sprint at the 2008 Olympics.

Fans waiting for Micky to more formally race Usain might be waiting for a long time. They can, however, see Micky's wheels for themselves when he takes the field at the 2024 Euros.

Most Likely to Cross It: Alfie Doughty

For all of Luton's flaws this season, they did not lack for chances.

Midfielder Alfie Doughty cracked the top 10 in FPL's listing of players who created the most chances, alongside the likes of Arsenal's Martin Odegaard and Bukayo Saka, plus Man City's Phil Foden.

As of March, Alfie had delivered a league-high 106 crosses from open play, per The Premier League. This trend continued through the end of the season.

Most Exciting Comeback Team: Bournemouth

This season's uptick in added time due to lengthy VAR reviews was our gain.

More goals were scored in extra time than ever before in Premier League history. More goals, period!

All these last-gasp goals made for some exciting matches, for example, Chelsea's improbable 4-3 win over Manchester United, and Arsenal's dramatic 4-3 win over Luton.

But the biggest comeback came courtesy of the Cherries, who were down 3-0 to Luton at halftime.

Bournemouth's unlikely win also made them the first team in 21 years to come down from 3-0 to win a match.

Kudos to the Cherries and to another unforgettable season in the books!

And, with an incoming freshman class of Ipswich, Leicester City, and Southampton, there's lots to look forward to come August.