Gameweek 1: The Headlines

Week 1 of the English Premier League is like New Year's Day. All of last season's shenanigans are wiped away and each of the 20 teams is gifted a clean slate.

For the first time since May, I was as zen as my instrumental playlist on Spotify when watching Arsenal play. My wish for all of you this week is that you feel just as content as I did while eating tater tots and watching Bukayo Saka score.

Sadly, not everyone was as chill as I. Newcastle's Fabian Schär went full-on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson against Southampton's Ben Brereton-Diaz (or did he?) while Chelsea's Raheem Sterling threw a temper tantrum. Meanwhile Leicester City's Jamie Vardy proved that he might be one of the Foxes, but he's also a GOAT.

Let's get to it, fam.

Raheem Sterling's "statement"

The headlining match-up of the weekend was Chelsea vs. Manchester City – AKA 115 players versus 115 charges. Raheem Sterling was a marquee signing when he left Manchester City for Chelsea in 2022, but an unstable club culture and overstuffed squad has since seen him lose his form.

Even so, a fully-fit Raheem was not named as part of the squad against City this past weekend. He didn't even make the bench. THE AUDACITY.

Rather than taking the L on the chin, Raheem did the equivalent of sending a passive-aggressive "per my last" email. His camp issued the following statement.

The funniest part comes when Raheem's PR team writes, "Given his inclusion in official club pre-match material this week, our expectation was that Raheem would be involved in the weekend's fixture in some capacity. ... As a camp, we have always had positive dialogue with, and assurance from, Chelsea FC in relation to Raheem's future at the club, so we look forward to gaining clarity on the situation."

OK I too, am often "seeking clarity" on my coworkers and bosses' decisions, but if I issued a statement of my grievances every time I got frustrated, I'd be unemployed.

Furthermore, this is probably going to do the opposite of convince [Chelsea Manager] Enzo Maresca that Raheem should play. If anything, Enzo's probably going to go, "Yeah, that dude whines a lot, hard pass" when putting together his starting XI against Wolves.

Besides, Raheem hasn't been done nearly as dirty as Conor Gallagher, who's set to go to Atletico Madrid ... because of club politics I still don't understand.

I refuse to believe I'm the only one who will miss his highlights and man bun.

Violent conduct?

I guess Raheem set the precedent of weird behavior this week, because there were behavioral issues across the league. Over in Newcastle, Fabian Schär headbutted Ben Brereton-Diaz (say that name 3 times fast) after Ben instigated things by body checking him.

Fabian was shown a red card while Ben got off scot-free, which incensed Newcastle fans. As an impartial viewer, I don't think Fabian was in the wrong. His foul was more in line with that macho thing guys do when they put their heads together and try to look tough. Plus, Ben started it!

Not that referee Craig Pawson asked me.

Elsewhere, in north London, Wolves' Yerson Mosquera grabbed Arsenal forward Kai Havertz by the throat and squeezed. This was following a foul by Havertz; however, neither of these players was booked.

On another occasion, Yerson also grabbed Gabriel Jesus' butt – presumably to move him along during a pause in play – but what's up with the hand placement?

Jesus was subsequently yellow carded after shoving Yerson to the ground in retaliation.

Officiating overall gets a bad rep in the Premier League. And I'm not one to belittle refs – who already get enough hate – but this feels like the kind of low-brow shenanigans you see play out in other leagues like CONMEBOL, where anything goes. The Premier League acts like it's above all that nonsense!

Maybe I'm naive (and/or I'm contributing to the problem) but I'd love to see less talking points around refereeing controversies, and more footballing highlights.

C'mon Everton

In a nice change of pace from last season, all three of the newly-promoted teams held their own against other, more-established Premier League teams. There was no 6-0 shellacking, and no need to look at the TV screen through your fingers, wondering in horror how such a team was allowed into the league.

Far and away, the worst team this weekend was Everton. The Toffees lost to Brighton 0-3, and the mood at Goodison Park could be summed up by all the empty seats in the stadium.

The last two seasons have seen Everton fight to stay up in the Premier League, but is their grip on England's top-flight slipping? It's only the first game of the season, so it's too soon to tell. But such an ignominious opening performance doesn't fill me (or anyone) with confidence.

It could be time for Sean Dyche to overhaul his wardrobe again. The last time he did, Everton ended the season on a winning streak.

Ladies and gents, Mr. Vardy

You can call Jamie Vardy a fox, you can call him the GOAT – but whatever animal comparison you use, you can't deny he has a nose for goal.

The 37-year-old forward is your classic goalscorer (à la Harry Kane), and he proved that age is nothing but a number as he headed home the Foxes' first goal of the season. It was a match where Leicester was outclassed by Tottenham, but you wouldn't know it by the scoreline and the jubilant home crowd.

I'm psyched for another year of listening to Jamie talk about his love for Red Bull and cigarettes. As the goal-scoring phenom once told media, "I hate going to the gym and lifting weights. The heaviest thing I carried is a pack of Red Bull."

For context, we're talking about the same man who once admitted to putting Skittles in vodka and drinking it.

"I had a three-liter vodka bottle at home I would put loads of Skittles sweets in," Jamie wrote in his book, "From Nowhere." "Once one batch had fully dissolved, I'd top it up with more – only the red or purple sweets because I don't fancy the orange, green, and yellow ones. I must have put a different batch in at least 20 times."

Cheers, I guess?