Gameweek 10: The Highlights

Halloween may have come and gone, but I was seriously disappointed that The Athletic didn't run a roundup of the Premier League's best costumes.

Luckily, Erling Haaland knows what the people want!

The Viking "went undercover" on the streets of Manchester as the Joker, even though everyone knew it was him. He's about 8 feet tall and was apparently, diaper shopping for his baby.

Meanwhile, Christian Romero and his whole family went full Monsters, Inc.

Speaking as a mom who dressed as Chili while my daughter went as Bingo, I have nothing but respect for that level of commitment.

Whether you went all out on Halloween or just snacked your way through the night, I hope you had a good one. And now, onto this week’s Premier League highlights…

Nobody likes Spurs, not even Spurs fans

You guys know I never miss a chance to troll Tottenham.

This weekend, Spurs lost 0-1 to Chelsea at home; but the issue was less the scoreline and more the fact they generated 0.05 expected goals (xG) in a truly dismal attacking performance. That's their lowest ever in a Premier League match since records began in the 2012-13 season... or since Harry Kane first graced a Tottenham shirt.

Fans booed their own players, and Sky Sports' Jamie Redknapp called it "one of the worst performances."

But it was Mickey Van de Ven and Djed Spence's post-match behavior that really made headlines. Peep these two jokers completely ignoring their manager, Thomas Frank, as he attempted to talk to them on the pitch after the final whistle.

Frank later told interviewers this incident was "one of the small issues we have," and tried to write it off as "players being players." Actually, what he said was that his players "like to win."

Only Tottenham could lose at home, look hapless doing it, and then completely ghost their manager. Peak Spurs-y behavior!

Bye Bye Vitor Pereira

OK, so this was probably the most inevitable firing of the season so far. Shortly after Wolves lost 0-3 to Fulham, the club finally decided to cut ties with the Portuguese manager.

I guess that means no more drinks with fans in the pub. Tragic.

What's wild is that Vitor had signed a new contract just weeks earlier, so I guess binding legal documents are more like mere suggestions in this current world of football.

Equally wild is that the jokers over in Wolverhampton actually contemplated bringing back former manager Gary O'Neil, who was fired last year to make way for Vitor. Gary has since pulled out of the running for that job, probably because Wolves fans were said to be "enraged" at the thought of his return. Dysfunction at its finest!

I, for one, would happily welcome former Luton manager Rob Edwards back. Just saying...

"I walked so they could run"

Some of you may not remember Peter Crouch in his prime, so let me jog your memory: 10 feet tall, built like a beanpole, played for Tottenham and Liverpool, and celebrated goals with the iconic robot dance. Absolute legend.

Anyway, he’s retired… but clearly still living vicariously through the next generation.

Erling Haaland scored his 97th goal in 107 Manchester City appearances on Sunday, and he busted out with the robot ... in tribute to Mr. Crouch.

Peter was definitely just sitting at home on his couch waiting for this moment, and wasted no time in posting to X, "I walked so they could run."

Haaland later told TNT, "I think Crouch (did it) a little bit better than me, but I think the whole point of the celebration was really good for my side."

Why are Newcastle so bad away from home?

The thing you can say about Newcastle is that they're consistent ... in being inconsistent. The Toon Army loves playing in the Champion's League, and they're decent at home, but anywhere else? Actual poop.

On Sunday at the London Stadium, they were so bad your Sunday league team could have walked off with a win. Newcastle actually made West Ham look good, which until now felt impossible. I LOL'ed when manager Eddie Howe said he "couldn't defend the performance."

And the home fans were even singing, "How s**t must you be; we're winning at home."

The final score was 3-1 to West Ham, but Newcastle allowed the Hammers to grow gradually into the game and take control. Despite being p****d because I bet on Newcastle to win (sike), I was happy to see how happy West Ham manager Nuno was.

Congrats on your first home win, Mr. Espirito Santo!

Now try saying "Mr. Espirito Santo" three times fast...

A moment of silence for "The Strand Fan"

Last week, I claimed Manchester United finally "looked good" after they beat Brighton 4-2.

Well, clearly I know nothing about football, because this past weekend they only managed to salvage a measly tie against Nottingham Forest–who aren't setting the league on fire down there in 19th place.

Anyway, the real bummer is that the crazy fan who's publicly vowed not to cut his hair until United win 5 matches in a row is now back to starting from scratch.

Just look at that flow.

Your 10-Second Champions League update

There are 6 Premier League teams in this year's Champions League competition: Arsenal, Manchester City, Newcastle, Tottenham, Liverpool, and Chelsea. Halfway through the league stage, all of them are doing pretty well, but no one is doing better than Arsenal.

BOOM SHAKA LAKA.

Or, to put it another way:

Spurs continue to do Spurs-y things, tying Bodo/Glimt and then thrashing FC Copenhagen a man down. Chelsea have some of that same energy too, having most recently tied Qarabag FK in Azerbaijan.

And if you're like "Qarabag WHO Azerbaijan WHAT" .... yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like.

Opta's Supercomputer has already predicted the top 8 teams to automatically advance at the end of the league phase and only Arsenal, Liverpool, and City are making the cut.

Now, please excuse me while I once again revel in the fact Arsenal is the ONLY TEAM in the Champions League who haven't conceded a single goal. Our defense be like:

And now, to conclude, you get a treat for reading (or scrolling) this far. Please enjoy Mr. Declan Rice singing his own theme song.

RICE RICE BABY 4ever.