Gameweek 11: The Highlights

I either live my life in hyper-speed, or I behave like a sloth.

There is no in-between.

And this week, I am a sloth.

Possibly the sloth in me came out because I'm depressed that Arsenal conceded 2 goals (two!!!) in one match this past weekend. I'm not saying I threw myself to the ground and wailed in despair when Sunderland's second goal went in, but I'm not not saying it either.

I’ve been coping by obsessively checking the Premier League table (we’re still top) and re-reading Opta’s predictions about who will win the league (still us).

I'm a well-adjusted human being, I swear.

But enough about my personal meltdown – or actually I guess, more on that in just a bit. Let’s move on to the highlights of the week!

Rob Edwards is bringin' SexyBack

You can go ahead and add "psychic" to my resume, because last week after I (jokingly*) suggested Rob Edwards should be the next Wolves manager, he agreed to a deal with the beleaguered club.

(*I admit I did not know at the time that Rob has a background with Wolverhampton.)

That's right, people! Premier League's sexiest manager is BACK!

To my husband: I <3 you.

But the question is: should Rob really take this job? I'm not what we'd call a savvy businesswoman (since my dad is both officially and unofficially the CFO of my life), but I'm not sure it's wise for anyone to be hurrying off to Wolverhampton.

Things are BUH-LEAK over there in the West Midlands. No team has ever stayed up in the Premier League after amassing so few points (2) in the opening 11 games; plus, it's always a shock to transition from the Championship to the Premier League.

Rob has a stable job at Middlesbrough now, and he's trading it in for what's sure to be a nightmare season. I can't decide if he's really gung-ho about the decision, or if he's just bruised after the Luton saga and looking for a comeback in the Premier League.

Cry more, Liverpool

You know who's not back like Backstreet's back, alright? Liverpool.

The Reds' recent Champions League victory against Real Madrid had fans feeling hopeful... until Manchester City came along and handed them a 0-3 reality check. It's the largest defeat under Arne Slot, and honestly, they looked out-thought, out-classed, and out-everything.

Of course, this is Pep Guardiola’s fault for not sharing his match day tactics with Arne beforehand. Rude.

How’s Arne supposed to manage if people keep changing their starting XIs and daring to play in different styles?? Someone should really do something about this.

The loss leaves Liverpool sitting behind Manchester United in the table, which is a sentence I didn’t think I’d type anytime soon. They’ve already lost more matches this season than in all of last year, and everyone’s got an opinion on how to fix them.

Sure, the Reds have easier fixtures ahead, but with their energy levels flatlining and the midfield looking like a group project gone wrong, it’s hard to see this as a temporary slump. They’re already eight points behind Arsenal, and no amount of “We’ll learn from this” post-match quotes is going to make up for the fact that they just look tired, frustrated, and weirdly allergic to tactical surprises.

Sunderland to qualify for Europe?

Sunderland managed to salvage a point against Arsenal by scoring in stoppage time. It's been five days and I'm still not over it.

But for the sake of professionalism, let me give credit where it's due.

Alright, let me try again.

Arsenal’s first half was a mess and we paid for it by going down 0–1. We looked sharper after the break, pulled ourselves together, and fought back with two goals. And then, just when it seemed like we’d done enough, Sunderland snatched one back at the death.

But Sunderland played a great game and should be commended.

It's rare to see a promoted team thrive in the Premier League, and quite honestly refreshing after the past three years. I was among those who expected Sunderland to slide right back down the table after clashing with the big boys, but the Black Cats have proven to be resilient, and they were clearly up for the match against Arsenal at home.

But Europe? I think it's out of their reach.

I'm remembering last year's Nottingham Forest, who were third for a lot of the season, only to fall away with a whimper in the run-in. In this case, Opta's Supercomputer predicts Sunderland finishing 14th but also gives them a 6.8% chance of getting relegated.

Sounds about right.

Fulham are in trouble

Guess what interesting stat I learned this week? Fulham's top scorer is own goals.

Harry Wilson and Ryan Sessegnon both have two apiece, but a combo of Brentford’s Ethan Pinnock, Leeds’ Gabriel Gudmundsson, and Wolves’ Yerson Mosquera make up three OGs — which, yes, currently lead the club.

Things at Craven Cottage are worse than I thought.

Fulham currently find themselves in a relegation fight in a rare year when all three of the newly promoted teams are competitive. Their away form is abysmal and their only real moments of joy have come at home – but if you look at the stats, even then, the universe had to step in and score for them.

At this point, I'm starting to get worried about manager Marco Silva's job.

It would be a crying shame if he gets the axe, if only because he's a dead ringer for Colin Farrell.

And finally .... Messi still lives rent-free in Ronaldo's head

Do you guys know who journalist/interviewer/blowhard/Meghan Markle's public enemy #1 Piers Morgan is?

OK now you do. Piers also happens to be a huge Arsenal fan, and more pertinently to us, a huge Ronaldo stan. Because ???

If you like to browse the sports side of TikTok or IG, then you probably saw a lot about the recent interview between Ronaldo and Piers.

The questions are just too funny: “Ronaldo, do you think you’re better looking than David Beckham?” Obviously, yes. “Who’s more famous in the world, you or Donald Trump?” Obviously, Ronaldo. Because, “Nobody is more famous than me.”

The humility!!!

Of course, what truly kills Ronaldo's soul is everyone's opinion that Messi is the real GOAT. Ronaldo responded to Piers talking about Wayne Rooney's assertion that Messi is the better player in a truly mature way, saying,

"No problem."

"No problem."

"I'm not mad with that."

"It's OK."

"It's OK."

"For me, it's not a problem."

EXCEPT IT IS A PROBLEM THOUGH.

Congrats! If you read this far, you get a treat. Please enjoy Jamie Carragher looking like a total doofus doing "table time" solo on CBS' Golazo Show.

ICYMI hosts Micah "Big Meeks" Richards, Jamie Carragher, Kate Scott, and Thierry Henry are the best part of the Champions League ... at least until Arsenal win it all.

After the international break, Arsenal take on powerhouse Bayern Munich so you'll be able to find me newly emerged from my sloth-like state, hiding under a blanket and biting all my fingernails for the full 90 minutes of play.

Can't wait!!!