Gameweek 16: The Headlines

There was lots to be holly and jolly about in gameweek 16 ... unless you're Pep Guardiola, Russell Martin, Gary O'Neil, and Mykhailo Mudryk.

Let's send these poor dudes good tidings as we dig into what went wrong for them this week.

A Manchester derby for the ages

Where else to start but here?

For ~85 minutes, the most interesting part of the Manchester derby was when Manchester City's Kyle Walker and Manchester United's Rasmus Hojlund got into a fight. Kyle shoved Rasmus to the ground, Rasmus retaliated by doing that macho thing dudes love to do where they mash their foreheads together.

In a desperate bid to get Rasmus sent off, Kyle then proceeded to fall to the ground (acting as if Rasmus had headbutted him). Oh, Kyle. Haven't you learned your lesson about cheating?

Fast forward.

Statistically, 40% of goals come after the 70th minute of play and here we saw two –right at the death. In the 85th minute, City midfielder Matheus Nunes karate chopped at United winger Amad Diallo's legs in the box after the latter recovered Nunes' poor back pass. The ref gave United a penalty, which Bruno Fernandes duly converted.

Reinvigorated and full of hope, Amad charged down the pitch, received Lisandro Martinez's lofted pass, and side-footed the ball into the corner of the net. 2-1 United.

You guys know I'm no United fan. But City have chipped away at my mental/emotional health for years now, and I'm not going to lie and say I didn't enjoy seeing them get beaten like this.

In his post-match interview, City manager Pep Guardiola heaped criticism upon himself rather than blaming ... oh, say ... Matheus Nunes. Pep explained,

"I’m the boss, I’m the manager and I’m not good enough, it’s as simple as that. ...I’m not doing well. That is the truth."

In contrast, City's seven-year veteran Bernardo Silva threw all his teammates under the bus when he told media they'd "played like U-15s" out there. (Rude. Both my brothers were really good players at 14.)

Currently, a combination of fatigue and injuries have seen City win just once in their past 11 matches. To be fair it's not like United are knocking anyone's socks off! But you can bet this win was sweet for the Red Devils.

So long, farewell, auf Wiedershen

This week, we said goodbye to two coaches – Russell Martin and Gary O'Neil – who were fired from their respective clubs, Southampton and Wolves.

Russell Martin's firing wasn't a surprise. Southampton have been rock bottom of the table since the start, and it's not unusual for newly promoted clubs to slip n slide right back down to the Championship. Just ask Sheffield, Burnley, and Luton.

But if Russell made an error, it's his insistence on possession-based football and playing out of the back. This is City's MO and it works when you've got a top-tier squad, but Southampton's players aren't up to scratch. Keeping to a system that isn't working for them has led to silly mistakes in the box and marshmallow-soft goals by the opposition.

On Sunday, Southampton played Tottenham and conceded 5 goals before halftime. Russell missed the last goal because he'd already stormed down the tunnel before the whistle was blown.

Gary's situation is different. Wolves aren't a bad team! But they lost a bunch of good players last season and the board thought that buying a Norwegian striker whose name sounds like a grown German man sneezing was going to be enough.

Gesundheit, Jorgen Strand-Larsen.

Wolves also had what Opta deemed the hardest run of fixtures in the opening weeks of the season.

Following their most recent loss to Ipswich, Wolves' Matheus Cunha attacked a member of Ipswich's coaching team, while Rayan Ait-Nouri lost his temper and got sent off with a red card.

So yeah, all's well that definitely didn't end well.

Do Arsenal need a striker?

Last year, Arsenal scored more goals than ever before in our history, but all those goals were spread out across players. It's telling that so far in the season, defenders like William Saliba, Gabriel Magalhaes, and Jurrien Timber have the same amount of goals as many of our wingers and midfielders.

Against Everton on Saturday, Arsenal completed 682 passes, including 253 passes in the final third, and still did not score. By contrast, Everton made just 55 passes in Arsenal's final third.

I have every faith in Arsenal to win the title, but watching them dominate possession, press, press, press, and shoot the ball everywhere but the net makes me tear my hair out ... especially on a week when both Liverpool and Man City dropped points.

An effective striker is a must in the January transfer window. If you are even a casual Arsenal fan, please join me in manifesting or praying or visualizing or making sacrifices to Baal/your deity of choice.

Not to ask for too much from the footballing gods, but I already have a certain No 9 in mind.

A new low for Mykhailo Mudryk

You're forgiven if you don't immediately recognize the name Mykhailo Mudryk. He rarely plays!

When Chelsea signed the Ukrainian in early 2023 (for a deal up to £89 million BTW), he was hailed as the next Big One. But in grand footballing tradition, he's flopped. In 73 games and just under 2 years, he's only scored 10 goals.

Things got worse for the Chelsea player this week when news broke that he'd failed a drug test.

Mudryk is believed to have tested positive for meldonium–coincidentally, the same drug tennis superstar Maria Sharapova took in 2016–and could be facing a 4-year ban. On Instagram, Mudryk said he was "completely shocked" to see the results of his drug test.

You know what's actually shocking is the fact that Mudryk hasn't trained at all in the past two weeks and his own teammates don't even know where he is. Per The Telegraph, players have been left asking, "do you know what's happened to Misha?" Manager Enzo Maresca has simply said that Mudryk is sick.

Chelsea are doing just fine without the Ukrainian, but as someone who reads a lot of novels, I know it's never a good thing when characters go missing due to mysterious illnesses.

A failed drug test is just the cherry on top of what's already been a tough season for him.

To conclude, I sincerely hope your Christmas break is off to a better start than Mudryk's, as well as all the aforementioned men.