Gameweek 26: The Headlines

As with every other week in the Premier League, Gameweek 26 was filled with last-minute goals, (metaphorical) tears, and controversy on both sides of the pitch. Let’s kick off. See what I did there?

Sheffield is their own worst enemy in Wolves duel

I recently compared Sheffield FC to the dramatic meltdowns you see from “Bachelor” and “Bachelorette” contestants and this still feels relevant. During Sunday’s match against Wolverhampton Wanderers, Sheffield teammates Jack Robinson and Vini Souza took to the pitch to give us their best “Love Island” auditions. Minus the beach, unfortunately.

I’ve never seen two teammates fight each other before, and this was enough for the Video Assistant Referee (VAR) to check the incident for serious foul play. Had he doled out red cards, Sheffield would have played Wolves two men down. Honestly, they could play two men UP, and I’m not convinced it would help them win games.

Manager Chris Wilder chalked the incident up to “boys will be boys,” but a stripes-on-stripes fight hasn’t occurred since 2005, when Newcastle teammates Kieron Dyer and Lee Bowyer had it out. They both got sent off, Newcastle played three men down, and then-manager Graeme Souness made both players apologize.

Bless him.

Fulham beat Man U in a historic victory

In 21 years, Fulham have never beaten Manchester United on their own turf ... until now. This was a historic victory that saw two Nigerians score and Man U manager Erik Ten Hag cry into his trademark turtleneck. Just kidding. He didn’t do that, but he did publicly scold the “one player out of position” (aka Alejandro Garnacho) for failing to press, and thus allowing Fulham’s Alex Iwobi to scamper up the pitch and score.

I’m not sure why Ten Hag thinks Manchester United are still in the running for a spot in Europe. Yeah, they’re in sixth place, but the drop-off between them and 5th-place Tottenham feels pretty dramatic. And with Man U's striker Hojlund out with an injury, it’s unclear who else can score goals.

Seriously, just ask them about their goal difference.

What’s up with Newcastle?

Right now, Newcastle are like Mischa Barton after Marissa Cooper got killed off on “The OC.” A few months ago Newcastle was on fire, memorably putting 8 goals past Sheffield in September (again, poor Sheffield). To use the analogy of our friend Mischa, they were poised to segue from teen soap star to bonafide actor, and then ….

Everyone got injured. But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Last year, their home turf of St. James Park was a fortress, where visiting teams were loathe to come. But now, even their home form has deserted Newcastle. Recently, Luton scored four goals there. FOUR.

Against Arsenal on Saturday, Newcastle was a shell of their former selves. Granted, Arsenal was out to avenge their previous loss to the Magpies, in which a controversial VAR call sealed their fate. You guys, I still live for Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta's post-game press conference in which he branded match officials "embarrassing" and "disgraceful."

Rest easy, Arteta; you can consider Arsenal avenged. Newcastle had zero shots on goal in the entire first half. Technically one, if you count their own goal.

Anyway, the point of this isn't to point out Arsenal's brilliance, but Newcastle's slow regression. Earlier in the week, they narrowly defeated Blackburn 1-0 on penalties in the FA Cup, looking sluggish even against a team in a lower division than them.

As Newcastle manager Eddie Howe said (I paraphrase), they need something to lift their spirits. As the Geordies say, HOWAY THE LADS!

The Carabao Cup Final that had it all

Not to be confused with "caribou" (the animal). What is the Carabao Cup? Glad you asked, because I can never remember. BRB, Googling.

According to the Internet, it’s one of three major showpiece competitions in domestic football. So even if you don’t finish top 5 in the table and qualify for a spot in prestigious European tournaments, there’s always the hope of a trophy with the Carabao Cup!

If you’re Chelsea, who don’t have a lot of bright spots on the horizon, this final felt like a must-win. More importantly, it felt like an attainable win, because their opponent (Liverpool) are currently besieged by injuries. Fast-forward two halves and one period of extra time later, and Chelsea was defeated by Virgil van Dijk’s header. This was following van Dijk’s first goal, which was (controversially) ruled offside.

Since then, Chelsea have been eviscerated in the media for losing to Liverpool’s backup-backup squad. Pundit Gary Neville called the match up, “Klopp’s kids against the blue billion-pound bottle jobs.”

“Billion-pound bottle jobs” is Chelsea in a nutshell. Here’s Chelsea Manager Mauricio Pochettino talking about why that label is unfair.

I have to return to my actual day job, so that's all from me, fam! See you in time for next game week, when the biggest match up of the weekend is a derby in Manchester.

Hopefully, something fun happens. It's football after all, so it usually does.