Gameweek 3 Feature: Your Winners & Losers

Good morning! (or afternoon, or evening...time is fake, anyway)

Speaking of time! Yours truly had a very tough time coming off the heels of a fun Labor Day weekend. Tuesday morning saw me sit down to bill my freelance company for word count, and instead I wound up accidentally paying them via Paypal. Yes, I literally sent my employer money for the privilege of working.

So then I had to email them like a doofus, and ask for both a refund and my actual paycheck and that was JUST GREAT.

But hey, my embarrassment is your entertainment because that experience prompted this week's blog theme: your winners and losers.

Let's do it.

GW 3: Winners

Liverpool (and Isak's ego)

No, I'm not talking about a specific game in which a specific Liverpool player scored a specific free kick against a specific team I may or may not support.

I'm here because Liverpool finally secured their dream striker.

After throwing a hissy fit that puts my toddler's tantrums to shame, Alexander Isak finally got his way and moved to Liverpool on deadline day. The Reds paid a record-breaking, eye-watering £130 million for the Swede, whose acrimonious transfer showed where the balance of power really lies in the Premier League: with the richest clubs and the "best" players.

Liverpool are the reigning champs, and with Isak added to their already ridiculous attack, their forward line now lives rent-free in my nightmares.

Newcastle

Newcastle might still be a Small Club, as evidenced by the Isak saga and the fact no one in the Premier League wanted to join them, but they got the last laugh.

On Tuesday morning, once the transfer deadline had officially closed, the Magpies posted the pettiest of petty statements on Instagram.

HAHAHA.

No "thank you." No "best of luck, Isak." No "we'll miss you, bro." If there was subtext here, it'd be "good f***ing riddance."

Newcastle used their Isak windfall to splash out on a new striker, Nick Woltemade, who is notable for being a German giant (move over Dan Burn!) and looking kind of like Anthony Gordon if Anthony cut his hair and grew a beard.

Newcastle also nabbed Yoanne Wissa in the dying days of the transfer windows, which makes them winners in my book.

Jack Grealish

Jack "Encyclopedia" Grealish is living his best life at Everton!

The season's only three games old, but Jack already has four assists and one shiny nomination for Premier League's August Player of the Month.

And can we talk about the man bun? The man bun is man-bunning. Add in his new #DadLife energy and suddenly Jack is less “lads night out in Ibiza” and more “stylish footballer having fun on the pitch.” Growth!

Jack shared a statement about how for a time at Manchester City, he fell "out of love" with football, but now, he’s back, he’s thriving, and he looks like he actually enjoys playing again. Love that for him, honestly.

P.S. Look at the support he's getting.

Alejandro Garnacho

Alejandro Garnacho's whole aesthetic still screams "forgotten member of a boy band," but hey, at least he got out of Manchester. The Argentinian was demoted to United's so-called "bomb squad," along with Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho, and Antony, all because United manager Ruben Amorim didn't vibe with them.

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore because Alejandro is Chelsea's problem now. Congrats!

Also, this outfit^^ should be burned. It's a crime against fashion and I'm personally offended.

Piero Hincapie / Arsenal's defensive line

I'm still not talking about that 0-1 loss to Liverpool, but let's acknowledge the fact it took a literal wonder strike to crack our back line. Even with Saliba (maybe? possibly?) nursing an ankle knock, we still have the best defense–and the best defensive depth–in the league.

And just to make things even more unfair, we wrapped up the window by adding defender Piero Hincapié.

He wins because: face card. End of analysis.

Cole Jermaine Palmer

ICYMI Cole Palmer's grandfather on one side is from St. Kitts & Nevis, so Cole spent at least part of the summer there, posting pics like this, with captions like, "The Motherland."

This is content GOLD.

More recently, Cole attended the Notting Hill Carnival in London in this get-up.

Is it really a disguise if you plaster it all over social, Cole?

And does he try hard to be this funny, or does it just come naturally to him??

Honorable Mention: West Ham won their first game last week, but to call them "winners" feels a little OTT, given how abysmal they were in the opening 2 weeks.

GW3: Losers

Erik Ten Hag

If you've had a bad week, spare a thought for Erik Ten Hag! Remember when he and his turtleneck were a staple on the sidelines of Old Trafford? Ah, simpler times.

Anyway, United showed him the door, so Erik tried to reinvent himself in Germany with Bayer Leverkusen. Unfortunately, Leverkusen decided to sell pretty much their entire starting lineup, so the deck was stacked against Erik to begin with. Still, no one expected him to be fired just two games into the season. It's the quickest dismissal in Bundesliga history.

Big flex by Leverkusen!

I saw an Instagram comment that said "Erik could really use ten hugs right now" and I agree with you rammy_fr!

Chelsea

Chelsea were unable to offload Raheem Sterling this transfer window, but manager Enzo Maresca still refuses to play him. Can’t say I blame him—after that tragic loan spell at Arsenal last season, the bar isn't just low. It's on the ground.

But the real kicker is Sterling's wages. I just learned Chelsea are paying him a casual £300,000 per week (about £5 million a season) to not play football.

Where do I apply?

James Trafford, Rodri, and the blue part of Manchester

Just last season, James Trafford was Burnley’s golden boy in the Championship, and was apparently allergic to conceding goals. Life was good. Then, for reasons only he knows, he decided to throw his lot in with Manchester City.

Two weeks ago, City played Tottenham and Trafford made a big no-no by receiving the ball in the box, then passing it to Tottenham's João Palhinha (not to be confused with João Pedro), who scored.

Back when my husband was coaching, it was the kind of error his U9 boys were prone to making. A true defensive catastrophe!

Sadly, things have since gotten worse for Trafford. City said goodbye to their other 'keeper, Ederson, and signed Donnarumma, fresh off a Champion's League victory with PSG. So I guess Trafford isn't going to play in the net anymore. Should've stayed at Burnley, mate!

Rodri is another Cityzen who's had a bit of a rough time. He's just returned from ACL injury and made his first start with City since last September, but it didn't matter. City still lost to Brighton.

Speaking on the loss, Rodri got salty and told the press he's "no Messi" and can't carry the team on his shoulders. Translation: "Don't look at me; this dumpster fire's not my fault."

Not exactly title-winning energy is it?

City have now lost 2 out of their 3 opening games. The last time they happened, I was still getting too drunk on weeknights and "losing" my keys because I kept accidentally putting them in the fridge.

(*Mom/Dad did you make it this far?)

Christantaus Uche and Fabio Silva

Last week, striker Fabio Silva left Wolves after five years and shared a really lovely tribute on social. He spoke about the Wolves team as a family, of building lifelong friendships, and making special memories. He talked about learning to fight "twice as hard" when things didn't go his way.

It's way more poetic and thoughtful than your average goodbye message, when a "thank you to my teammates, the staff, and the fans" is usually enough to suffice.

So good on him...until Christantaus Uche left Getafe and posted the exact same message on Instagram. Word for word. He just subbed in a different team name.

Either they have the same PR person, or they share a ChatGPT account.

Marc Guehi

I hate the phrase "nice guys finish last" because it basically encourages guys to act like a**holes and for some reason it's culturally acceptable? But in the case of Crystal Palace's Marc Guehi, it might be true.

Unlike the Alexander Isaks and Yoanne Wissas of the world–who threw tantrums, refused to play, and emotionally blackmailed their respective clubs into giving them the transfers they wanted–Marc Guehi did everything by the book. All he wanted to do was go to Liverpool.

The deal was all set to go through on Deadline Day. Marc was on the verge of completing his medical, but because Palace failed to sign a good replacement for him in time, manager Oliver Glasner had an epic meltdown and threatened to resign without Marc.

Palace chairman Steve Parish had to reverse the deal at the penultimate hour to stop Glasner from walking out, and poor Marc had to turn around and trot right back to London.

Not literally; I assume he has a driver.

The ref that gave Jean-Phillipe Mateta a yellow card for celebrating (Stuart Attwell)

Stuart Attwell, you fun ruiner!

Mateta's trademark celebration is kicking the corner flag, but apparently you aren't allowed to "remove or damage" said flag when celebrating. So Stuart whipped out a yellow card in response.

IMO Cole Palmer said it best when he weighed in on the controversy with this comment.

Fulham

GW 3 and already, VAR controversy is rearing its ugly head. This time, Fulham were the unfortunate victims.

In the Fulham-Chelsea match, VAR disallowed a Fulham goal for reasons that are beyond me! Then after the game, they came out and admitted to making a mistake.

Fat lot of good that is when it doesn't do anything to change the result!

Fulham fans are, understandably, incensed. What is the point of VAR if it doesn't do its job?!

^^I quote from Fulham defender Antonee Robinson, who posted this on his IG story after the PGMOL said they'd made an error. Robinson went on to call the status of refereeing in the Premier League "shocking," and I agree with him.

Then again, I also watched the Copa last summer, so I concede that refereeing can always be worse.

Aston Villa

Why are they so bad?? I'm being literal, not rhetorical.

Not only have they not yet won a game, they haven't scored a legit goal! One Reddit user said they haven't looked like scoring "if the game went 900 minutes" and they're not wrong.

Thus far, Villa’s attack has been about as threatening as a wet paper towel. I know that PSR completely hindered their chances of competing in the transfer market, but still. Let's see the Villans score a goal!

Honorable Mention: Imagine being a lifelong Manchester United fan, coming up through the academy, achieving your dream of playing in the first team, but then having such an awful experience in said team that you're desperate to leave. That's a reality for Kobbie Mainoo. Apparently, he's asked to leave United on loan but management "blocked" him from going anywhere, and told him he needs to stay and fight for his spot. Uh, ok.

Nothing says "we value you" quite like sticking you in the middle of the Premier League's most dysfunctional project, does it??