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Gameweek 31: The Headlines

Gameweek 31: The Headlines
Photo by Fånga Images / Unsplash

We are now at the point of the season that pundits like to call "The Run In," where every Arsenal fixture sends my blood pressure skyrocketing, regardless of who they're playing.

As for why my emotions are so closely tied to the outcome of a game I cannot control, I don't have the answers. I just know I'm not alone here.

The good news is that you didn't have to be a Gooner to enjoy Gameweek 31. Truly, there was something for everyone.

Anticipated wins? Check. Unexpected ties? Yep. Stoppage time goals? Sure. A surprise goal from Sheffield that had me hoping they'd possibly hang on for 20 minutes to tie Liverpool? Eh...

And of course ... Cole Palmer.

The man, the myth, the legend

Cole "Cold" Palmer — so nicknamed for his celebration in which he's fake shivering — is not actually cold, but red hot. The former Manchester City man has 16 goals in all competitions for Chelsea this season, which is more goals than both Mykhailo Mudryk and Enzo Fernandez combined.

The Chelsea FC of today — a team that's somehow tied both Burnley and Manchester City — feels incredibly far removed from the Didier Drogba era of the aughts, and yet, plenty of people are comparing Cole to the legendary striker.

The Internet thinks Cole looks like a lesser version of Arsenal's Emile Smith Rowe, if you stretched him out like taffy. Meanwhile, Didier has a stadium in Paris named after him and continues to look like a Greek god. But stats are stats, and I don't make the rules!

Didier was the driving force behind Chelsea winning the Champion's League in 2012. As for the 2024 squad, forget Europe! This bunch consider it a win if they squeak into the top half of the table.

Without Cole, they'd be in rough shape. And this week's match-up against Manchester United proves it.

Playing at home, the Blues somehow squandered a 2-0 lead (the most dangerous score in football, BTW) and were trailing United 3-2 in the 99th minute. Then, United defender Diogo Dalot did the one thing he couldn't afford to do, fouling Chelsea midfielder Noni Madueke in the box and giving up a penalty.

It was 3-3 just like that.

Then, in the 101th minute, United decided to stop defending altogether. Here's their back line, pointing at Cole running rampant in acres of space, rather than actually marking him.

Cole coolly slotted another one home. I've never seen Mauricio Pochettino display so much emotion on the sidelines.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, United manager Erik Ten Hag was absolutely not here for it.

Record goals in stoppage time this season

The Manchester United-Chelsea game is the sixth time this season that we've seen a 7 goal thriller end in 4-3.

It's also one of many games in which we've seen dramatic stoppage-time goals give one team the improbable victory. So, everyone moaning over the 0-0 tactical face off between Manchester City and Arsenal can quit it already, because scoreless games are in the minority here. Even as far back as September, Declan Rice's last-minute gasp against Manchester United gave us a hint as to the season we were in for.

According to The Athletic, "no other Premier League season has offered more goals scored after the 85th minute." This is especially true of Luton FC, half of whose results "have been decided by goals scored after the 80th minute." What a time to be alive for Rob Edwards and company!

Is Luton the most likeable team in the EPL?

Speaking of Luton, you can't help but love them. This is a team assembled on a shoestring budget, who has risen from non-league to Premier League. This is a team who gave Arsenal a run for their money at Kennilworth Road, and who tied Liverpool there, too.

Unlike their contemporaries who were promoted from the Championship, Burnley and Sheffield, Luton is a team who never knows when it's beat. It's what makes them so fun to watch!

This week, Luton played Arsenal at the Emirates and was outclassed in every category. But during his post-game press conference, Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta spoke glowingly of the Hatters, calling them a "very likeable side." On a separate occasion, Mikel said that they "deserve more credit than any other team in this league."

This is in keeping with the comments he made in December.

"[Rob] is a great coach and a really special person. You can tell that in the way his team plays. I think they're a really good team and that doesn't reflect in their results. It's inspiring to play them," Mikel said at the time.

The tie that shouldn't have been

Europe remains the goal for Newcastle, but Eddie Howe's side continues to seesaw between victory and defeat, finding creative ways to trip the finish line.

Such was the case in their match-up with Everton. Everton hadn't won in their past 11 games, but striker Dominic Calvert-Lewin has historically been a bogeyman for the Magpies.

In a game where Newcastle stomped all over Everton — dominating possession, hitting the woodwork, getting a goal called for offside — Newcastle simply couldn't put the game to bed.

Everton was awarded a penalty in the dying stages of the game for a clumsy foul on Ashley Young. Up stepped Dominic, who was just as relieved as he was excited to have finally scored.

But for Newcastle, it only epitomizes the larger problem.

Yes, they are ravaged by injury, but this should never have been a tie. Much like their short-lived time in the Champion's League, Newcastle's season continues to be a series of one step(s) forward, two steps back.

For Everton, it's another point in their battle to stay afloat in the top flight.

Best of luck, lads!

And cheers to another week of late, late goals. May the drama never end.