Gameweek 32: The Highlights
I ran track as a teenager.
During track meets, I often spent hours sitting around on our school tarp waiting for the field events to wrap. My mom – wise lady that she is – suggested that I didn't need to waste the whole day. Why didn't I just show up shortly before my race(s)?
But 14-year-old me worried that I'd miss out on prime team bonding taking place on that tarp. Said bonding consisted of my teammates and I reading the latest copies of Us Weekly magazine. The magazine always featured a glossy page spread titled, "Stars–They're Just Like Us!," with pictures of celebrities picking up their kids from school, grocery shopping, and even (gasp) paying for parking.
It's been two nearly two decades since I last read a physical copy of Us Weekly. But my first thought upon seeing Prince William on TV cheering for Aston Villa in the Champion's League quarterfinals was ...
"Stars – They're Just Like Us!"
They cheer for their football teams! Us Weekly are you seeing this?
We'll get to Prince William and the Champion's League in a minute, but first, we have to talk about Andre Onana and your Premier League updates.
O na na...What's my name?
If Andre Onana's name doesn't play in your head to the tune of Rihanna's "What's My Name," that is a crying shame. Pretty much every time I see him onscreen, I start humming this bop in my head.
However, this week, the Manchester United goalkeeper wasn't on my screen. Where was he? He was in trouble!
A little context first. Andre has had a tough season, not least because Manchester United are now doomed to record their worst season to date in the Premier League (woof). Their new manager, Ruben Amorim, isn't nearly as understanding about Andre's goalkeeping gaffes as ex-manager Eric Ten Hag was.
You'd think Andre would be keeping a low profile, right?
Nope. The Cameroon international decided to run his mouth ahead of Manchester United's quarterfinal match-up against Lyon in the Europa League.
Andre said that Manchester United were "way better than Lyon." So then Lyon's Nemanja Matic (a former United player), came out and called Andre "one of the worst goalkeepers in United's history." Andre hit back with a not-so-subtle post about "some people" not winning trophies with United.
Anyway, Nemanja had the last laugh because Andre's horrible goalkeeping mistake in the game meant that Lyon tied with United in the first leg 2-2.
Following this garbage dump of a game for United, manager Ruben Amorim decided to drop Onana for the Newcastle game on Sunday. Instead, he started some dude named Altay Bayindir, formerly of Fenerbahce, and I had to check the spellings of all these words three times.
United lost to Newcastle 1-4.
Andre's teammates are "pi***d off with him," according to insiders. As an anonymous source told media,
"You tempt fate when you say things like [Andre] did and then you end up looking silly if it comes back and bites you. Some wonder if it’s time for Altay Bayindir to be given a go.”
Moral of the story: If you've had a bad week, well, spare a thought for Andre Onana.
UPDATE: As of yesterday, United beat Lyon 5-4 in a chaotic second leg of the Europa quarterfinals, meaning they've somehow progressed to the semis. Onana was back in goal for this match.
The Egyptian king is here to stay
Liverpool's fairy tale of a season has seen them all but mathematically clinch the title.
The only blip on their radar (until now) was Mo Salah's potential departure. Because the Reds had allowed Mo to enter into the last year of his contract, he was free to leave at the end of the season. But who would Liverpool even be without Mo – their highest scorer, their talisman up top, their Egyptian king?!
We don't have to wonder anymore, because Mo signed a two-year contract with the club this week.
ICYMI the Liverpool admin has leaned in hard with "king" imagery^^.
MO YOUR MAJESTY.
The issue (if there is one) with Mo's new contract is that he'll be 35 by the time it expires. That's basically Methuselah in football years, but Mo is a special case. The man doesn't drink or smoke or swear (or give media interviews). His body is a temple!
Speaking on his new contract, Mo said,
"It's great, I had my best years here. I played eight years, hopefully it's going to be 10. ... I signed here because I believe we can win a lot of big trophies together."
Mo's fellow teammate, legendary defender Virgil van Dijk, followed in Mo's majestic footsteps and likewise signed a 2-year contract extension with Liverpool. Like Mo, Virgil is on the wrong side of 30, but he/fans/managers believe he's still got a lot to give.
Sadly, the Liverpool admin didn't put Virgil in a throne. He's just in front of whatever weird art gallery this is.
Can anybody stop Newcastle? + the race for top 5
Within the week, Newcastle stomped on a very sad Manchester United squad (see above: Andre Onana) and then turboed past turgid Crystal Palace, winning 5-0.
They're now in third place, just 4 points behind Arsenal.
Since winning their first domestic trophy in 70 years – the Carabao Cup – Newcastle have been unstoppable. They look like the Manchester City of yesteryear, only way more fun.
While Newcastle manager Eddie Howe has been in the hospital with COVID pneumonia, assistant manager Jason Tindall has been in charge. Maybe Eddie should just continue to lounge around on his sickbed though, because things are going swimmingly at St. James' Park! Jason said,
“We spoke pre-game about maintaining the standards we set ourselves at the weekend, about being really aggressive and on the front foot. I thought the players went about that and executed it brilliantly.”
You can say that again!
With two statement wins in the rearview, Newcastle are now in control of their Champion's League football destiny. Let's see them qualify, then make it to the knockouts this time around!
In the 2024-2025 season, five English teams (versus the usual four) will qualify for Champion's League, thanks to Arsenal's statement win over Real Madrid. So, who's it going to be?
The Premier League table is tighter than my neck muscles right now, with Nottingham Forest, Manchester City, Chelsea, and Aston Villa all competing for 4th and 5th spots. I hope it's Forest and Villa again, because the latter's recent quarterfinal heroics against PSG endeared them to neutral viewers everywhere.
Which brings us back to Prince William.
Your UCL Update: Aston Villa & Arsenal
Despite losing to PSG on aggregate in the quarterfinals, Aston Villa deserve all the kudos. Why? They showed tremendous spirit and courage to fight back from a 1-5 aggregate score when everyone (me) thought they were dead and buried.
In the second half of the match, Villa scored three goals in quick succession to come within a goal of tying the game. They had PSG on the ropes! And the home crowd was ROARING. Prince William brought his mini-me, Prince George, to Villa Park and the father-son duo screamed their royal hearts out for their team!
So what if there was a mistake before the match when the stadium played the Europa League anthem instead of the Champion's League anthem?
I hope Aston Villa qualify for Champion's League football again this year, because performances like this are what football is all about.
Now, Aston Villa might be out, but Arsenal are through to THE SEMIFINALS after a phenomenal win away in Madrid at the Bernabeu. This is only the third time in our history that we've made it to the Champion's League semifinals, and we've done it with a makeshift No 9, and a second string center back. I guess you could say it's testament to the power of the collective versus individual star power (looking at you, Kylian Mbappe).
Real Madrid pulled out all the stops. Ahead of the match, there was much talk about a "remontada" – Spanish for comeback, because Real Madrid are the comeback kings. And if the Villa-PSG match was chaotic from end-to-end, Arsenal-Real Madrid was a mean, tense affair that saw:
- Bukayo Saka miss a penalty after attempting a cheeky Panenka (where you chip the ball straight down the middle)
- A halftime scuffle between Bukayo and Madrid's Dani Carvajal, who took offense to the penalty in question
- A penalty given to Madrid, and then rescinded by the VAR
- An Arsenal goal, in which Bukayo scored and redeemed himself for that penalty miss
- An uncharacteristic William Saliba error at the back that gifted Madrid their only goal
- Madrid's Antonio Rudiger stomping on Arsenal's Myles Lewis-Skelly out of pure frustration
- A stoppage time goal for Arsenal from Gabriel Martinelli
But all you really need to know is that Madrid posted about closing the roof on the Bernabeu to keep the noise levels up and create a tough atmosphere for Arsenal.
Our response? (Declan) rice cooks better with the lid on.
COYG!!
