Gameweek 4: Hot Takes

It has been brought to my attention that I am not exactly what you'd call "pithy."

How dare you! Do you mean to suggest last week's 2,000 word post was too long?

LOL.

In an effort to be concise (and definitely not because between my full-time job, my freelance job, my WIP novel, and this blog, I'm tired of writing words), this week features a new "Hot Takes" format, all in the spirit of pithiness.

Let's begin!

Arsenal v. Nottingham Forest

Hot take #1: Viktor Gyökeres will win the Golden Boot.

Context: Viktor scored his third goal in four games this past Saturday. Delicate dribbler he is not, but give me a battering ram of a striker who shoots like his life's mission is to murder goalkeepers any day.

To my younger brother who (incorrectly) said "I think Gyökeres is kinda poop," I WILL remove you from the group chat if you keep it up.

Hot take #2: Ange Postecoglou won't last the season with Nottingham Forest.

Context: Nottingham Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis is off his rocker. He just fired manager Nuno Espirito Santo–who transformed the team from relegation-bound losers to seventh-place finishers–because they had a disagreement and Evangelos is a messy human being who lives for chaos. Then Evangelos went and rudely interrupted Ange Postecoglou's (f)unemployment! I can only assume Ange was sunbathing Down Under and looking forward to some quality R&R with the kangaroos when he got the call from Evangelos. Ah, well, duty calls!

Good to see ya again, Ange, mate, and thanks in advance for all 6 points this season.

Liverpool v. Burnley

Hot take: Liverpool's luck will run out and they won't win a consecutive Premier League title.

Context: Might be wishful thinking on my end, but LET ME HAVE IT godd***it. Only Liverpool could win all four of their opening matches, and still have people saying they look "shaky." Consistently scoring in stoppage time, and nicking wins they really shouldn't (cough Newcastle, cough) will do that! This weekend’s 93rd-minute penalty against Burnley was just the latest example… and yes, it completely ruined our family brunch.

Bournemouth v. Brighton

Hot take: Bournemouth qualify for Champion's League.

Context: Bournemouth have been flying so far this season, helmed by a sensational Antoine Semenyo. Their sole loss came against Liverpool in GW1 which was ... unlucky. This week, I saw an Athletic post in which the writers put together their perceived strongest team outside the "Big Six," and Antoine Semenyo was on everyone's team.

You heard it here first: the Cherries will go far this season!

Manchester City v. Manchester United

Hot take #1: Benjamin Šeško is the new Antony.

Context: Remember when Arsenal played United in the season opener and Viktor Gyökeres got clowned for touching his hair more than the ball? At least he bounced back—scored in the next game, then celebrated by touching his hair again. Iconic.

No such luck for Šeško. SAD.

To Šeško's credit, he’s been candid about struggling to adjust to Premier League life, admitting the quality’s a big step up. While I do feel for Šeško, I thank the moon, sun, and all the stars in the sky that he didn't come to Arsenal.

Because right now, Šeško’s trajectory is giving major Antony vibes. Reminder that Antony signed for United for £85 million, delivered a whopping 12 goals across 96 appearances and is now not even at the club anymore. Yikes.

Hot take #2: Gareth Southgate becomes the next Manchester United coach.

The question is not IF Ruben Amorim will be fired, but WHEN. The Athletic reports he has three games to turn around the club's fortune, but United look allergic to winning at the moment, so good luck with that.

I'd love to see Gareth Southgate return to my TV screen by way of Manchester. Miss you, king.

Bonus: Please enjoy this video of David Beckham trolling his former team. I know I did.

Aston Villa v. Everton

You don't get a hot take until you score a goal, Aston Villa!

I have nothing to say about you, only maybe that Emi Martinez gets the Golden Glove based on that performance against Everton.

Tottenham v. West Ham

Hot take: Mickey van de Ven will bag 10+ goals this season.

Context: When I asked my husband for his take on the Spurs-West Ham game, he said, "Are you just looking for an opportunity to trash Spurs?" I mean DUH. Do you know who you married? Is water wet?!

When I replied in the affirmative, he reminded me that Spurs beat West Ham 3-0 and told me they looked "good."

Sure, Spurs beat a 10-man West Ham side 3-0, but everyone's beating West Ham right now. They're handing out three points left and right like free samples at Costco!

But in the spirit of compromise, I'll give credit where it's due: defender Mickey van de Ven was my man of the match. I like him more than most of the Spurs squad, and I could see him having a standout season.

Another point in Tottenham's favor (ugh): Thomas Frank already has Spurs looking sharper. They’re not doing that chaotic high press or gifting silly goals anymore. Gross, I hate it here.

Sunderland v. Crystal Palace

Hot take: Sunderland stay up.

Yes, I know this match ended 0-0, but watching Sunderland in general has filled me with the most dangerous of all footballing emotions: hope. My dad thinks I'm incorrect, but under Granit Xhaka's leadership, I think they could be the ones to buck the vicious promotion-straight-back-to relegation cycle.

If nothing else, Xhaka will get enough yellow (and possibly red) cards to make it entertaining along the way. Miss you king x2!

Leeds v. Fulham

Hot take: Leeds will score less than 30 goals this season, but they won't get relegated.

Context: How is that possible? Hear me out. Leeds lost to Fulham this past week in heartbreaking fashion, yet their defense actually looks solid. They've only conceded around 4.0 npxG so far–and yes, that number includes the 5-0 Arsenal beatdown (lol). Only seven teams (including Arsenal) have kept opponents to fewer chances.

But their attack? Oof. Leeds haven’t scored from open play in over six hours of football, which is… bleak. So yeah, the goals will be few and far between, but if their defense keeps grinding, I can see them surviving. Miserable to watch, maybe. But surviving.

Chelsea v. Brentford

Hot take: Chelsea won't get out of the Champion's League group stage.

Context: This isn't strictly Premier League, but watching Chelsea get slaughtered 3-1 by Bayern Munich in the Champion's League this week, right on the heels of tying a very mid Brentford side, reminded me they're not the European juggernauts everyone thinks they are.

Just look at how optimistic these delulu fans are!

Chelsea look destined for Champions League mediocrity and will be lucky to scrape a top-four finish domestically. The only person I trust in that squad is Cole Palmer, and that’s partly because of the post-Bayern interview where he was so chill you could literally see the Caribbean in him. Man looked like he was about to order a piña colada, not explain a 3-1 defeat.

He's called "Cold" Palmer for a reason!

Newcastle v. Wolves

Hot take: Newcastle have a better chance of winning the UCL than the Premier League.

Context: Newcastle got beat 2-1 last night by Barcelona, and I had more optimism about their chances in that game than I do week in-week out in their new Isak-less world. Yes, their new striker Nick Woltemade scored on his debut against Wolves, but Wolves are rock bottom of the table, and scraping a 1-0 win isn't exactly sending shivers down the spines of Europe's elite.

The fans, however, are already calling Woltemade "Woltemessi." Geordies might not get any trophies, but they're definitely getting the jokes in.

OK, now that we've gotten to the end, I realize the word count is right around what is always is.

See you for more words next week!