Gameweek 8: Your Winners & Losers

Hi, how's your week been?

Mine's been ... eventful.

My poor husband has been vomiting, I've definitely felt better, and my three-year-old recently informed me that she "doesn't feel like sleeping" anymore." (Cool, cool, cool.)

But overall I can't complain because Arsenal just battered Atletico Madrid 4-0 in the Champions League.

Hopefully you are likewise on a high, and not on a low à la Ange Postecoglou, who has managed to get himself sacked after 39 days. Or to put it another way:

And with that, welcome to this week’s edition of Winners and Losers!

Winners

Arsenal & Viktor Gyökeres

Another week, two more Ws! The Gunners are flying high, not unlike my (sure to be short-lived) stellar form in Fantasy Premier League right now.

You could argue that last season, Arsenal lost the title because we couldn't finish off teams like Fulham, Newcastle, and Bournemouth. But Arteta ball in 2025 is all about banishing the demons (or as Mikel says in his cute San Sebastián accent) "banishing our scars." Cue us winning away at Newcastle and Fulham, the latter of which we did on Saturday, because ... IT'S WHAT CHAMPIONS DO, FOLKS.

All these people out here complaining that Arsenal is set piece FC right now, but just imagine if our opponents could, I don't know, study footage of our set plays ahead of time and prepare accordingly?

Oh, wait.

Anyway, I was never worried about the Fulham game.

The Atletico Madrid Champion's League game on Tuesday, however, had me in full-on stress palpitations for 50+ minutes. That's because Diego Simeone's Atleti side are known for their defensive solidity, and I was bracing myself for the usual low-block-park-the-bus nightmare Arsenal always seems to struggle with.

But, we were awesome.

A 4-0 win against one of the most defensively minded teams in Europe sends a message. And while I'm already monologuing, everyone harping on about Viktor Gyökeres’ so-called “dry spell” (seven games without a goal) can kindly shut it — he scored a brace in this one, thank you very much. He’s been playing brilliantly even when he’s not scoring, and this was the perfect reminder of just how good he is.

AND he's funny, too!

Erling Haaland

For the past month, I've been betting on Erling Haaland as an anytime goalscorer and every single one has hit. If you're a betting person, go ahead and put money on him to score 2+ goals in a game, because you may as well profit off the inevitable.

Right now, he's unstoppable, which is lucky because no one else at Manchester City is scoring lol. With his goal against Villarreal on Tuesday, Erling just equaled Cristiano Ronaldo’s record of scoring in 12 consecutive Champions League matches. And yes, I won that bet too.

Erling also just launched a YouTube channel where he reveals what fuels him: hunks of tomahawk steak, raw milk, red light therapy, and more massage than a Real Housewives wellness retreat. Whatever works for you, big guy.

Assuming he stays healthy, he's a lock for the Golden Boot. If not, well, City are just one Erling injury away from a crisis.

Harry Maguire

Justice for Harry Maguire!

If you’ve ever felt sorry for yourself, spare a thought for the man who survived relentless online abuse, a pipe bomb scare at his home (people can really be the worst), and a 2020 arrest in Greece. He got dropped from Manchester United’s starting lineup, lost the captaincy, and was widely expected to leave the club.

All that AND people call him slab head! (Since when did a big forehead prevent one from being a successful sporting person, hmm? Just ask Peyton Manning.)

But if ever there was a poster boy for persevering through adversity, it's Harry Maguire, who on Sunday scored the winner against Liverpool ... with his giant slab of a head, no less. As former United legend Roy Keane said on TV afterwards:

“He [Harry Maguire] can see it all the way. Big forehead on him… I mean that in the nicest way.”

People also like his knee slide FWIW.

Sunderland

In the last two Premier League seasons, all three of the promoted teams have set many, many records for being the worst ever, then been immediately relegated. It's not very inspiring for the other Championship teams.

But here comes Sunderland to buck the trend!

Helmed by the incomparable Granit Xhaka, Sunderland have an astonishing 14 points (same as Tottenham) after beating Wolves 2-0 last weekend. The other promoted teams, Leeds and Burnley, aren't too shabby either. Together, they boast a combined 29 points, which is already more than the last two years of promoted-team misery combined (23).

Meanwhile, lesser teams like Nottingham Forest and West Ham are so freaked out by Sunderland's success that they've resorted to panic-firing their managers (more on that in a bit).

Chelsea

Chelsea are both in my winners and losers column this week. "How is this possible?" you ask. Well, let's start with 5 goals in Champion's League this week, 3 goals against Nottingham Forest over the weekend, and 5 red cards in 6 games.

Chelsea are many things but "stable" and "disciplined" are low on their list of descriptors. Then again, what do I care? Enzo Maresca tearing down the sidelines in his puffer jacket to celebrate his team's winner against Liverpool (and then getting a red card) continues to live rent-free in my head.

Danny Welbeck

Special kudos must go to Danny Welbeck, who at 34 years old is a beacon of hope for us geriatric millennials.

This past weekend, Danny hopped off the bench and scored a brace against Newcastle to hand the Seagulls a W.

This comes shortly after he scored two goals against Chelsea, bringing his tally to 4 goals so far this season.

As a fellow 34-year-old, I like to remind myself of Danny "Welbz" whenever I get up too suddenly off the couch and my knees hurt.

Losers

Evangelos Marinakis

Nottingham Forest owner Evangelos Marinakis has the aura of a Roman emperor presiding over the Colosseum, and you cannot convince me otherwise.

During Saturday’s early game, cameras caught him glowering ominously down at the pitch. The tone was set immediately, and it did not bode well for then-manager Ange Postecoglou. After Forest conceded two goals in a row (and shortly before they let in a third), the broadcast cut to Marinakis’ empty chair. Cue more ominous music.

Presumably, he had gone off to execute some hapless gladiators… nope. Just Big Ange.

I was still on the sofa, yogurt in hand for my 3-year-old, listening to Rebecca Lowe discuss the 10AM matches when the news broke: Ange had been fired eighteen minutes after the final whistle.

Now, we’ll get to Ange in a minute, but I feel this circus starts at the top. Like a doofus, Marinakis sacked Nuno, Forest’s most successful manager maybe ever, and replaced him with Ange — a manager whose high-intensity, possession-based football is the literal antithesis of Nuno’s low-block, counterattacking style.

So yes, the players were confused.

And since when do Forest have unlimited funds? They’re on their third manager of the year and it’s (checks calendar) October. This isn’t Chelsea; you’re not backed by Saudi billions, and there’s no guarantee Forest will even finish in the top half. Go humble yourself, Emperor!

Ange Postecoglou

Oh, Ange.

While a good chunk of the blame for this dumpster fire situation rests with Marinakis, Ange did not help himself.

He spent a lot of time blustering about how he "always wins things in my second year," justifying his tenure at Tottenham (reminder: he was fired after they finished 17th last year), and saying confusing things like how he didn't have to be here [on the pitch], he could've just stayed on the couch.

Forget the couch. I hope Ange gets in some good kangaroo therapy back home in Australia.

Because perhaps the biggest problem for Ange at Forest was that he wasn't Nuno. And as I hope we all know, any relationship where the other person's thinking fondly of their ex is not a good one!

Better luck next time, mate.

Arne Slot (& Liverpool)

Liverpool have lost four matches in all competitions for the first time under manager Arne Slot, which pundits have deemed "a crisis." I call it karma.

Is manager Arne Slot bitter?

In his post-match interview with Sky Sports, Arne complained that United came to Anfield and parked the bus:

“If you play United, that comes here with a low block, playing a lot of long balls, you know it’s going to be difficult.”

It's not often I'm out here defending United, but what were they supposed to do, Arne?? Show up and play tiki-taka for your personal enjoyment?

Then Arne really went for it, moaning that United had changed their lineup.

"We’ve seen (United striker Benjamin) Sesko play the last three, four five or six times, but they go to Liverpool they change the line-up. That’s not the first where we’ve faced a team and they’ve done that.”

IMAGINE. A football team… rotating players. The absolute AUDACITY.

Mo Salah

I say this with love and respect for the Egyptian King: He is not firing on all cylinders right now. Nor is he firing at all.

Mo Salah has managed just three goals and assists across 12 appearances this season, and was wholly ineffective in the match against Manchester United.

His goalless streak has gotten so bad that manager Arne Slot dropped him for the mid-week Champions League match against Eintracht Frankfurt. When pressed about it, Slot said it was a “difficult call,” which is manager-speak for “I have no idea what’s going on either.” When Mo did come on the pitch in the 74th minute, he opted not to pass to a wide-open Florian Wirtz, then promptly missed the shot he took. Oof.

On Thursday, Mo purged his socials to remove mention of Liverpool in the bios. His profile picture on X is a generic shot of his family.

And on Instagram, it's just a black-and-white picture of himself with the header "Always Believing," and nothing about Liverpool.

In conclusion, You'll Never Walk Alone... unless you play badly, get benched, and then make a bad cameo against Eintracht Frankfurt, apparently.

Oliver Glasner

First, let me be clear: I am a huge fan of Crystal Palace manager Oliver Glasner. He steered the Eagles to their first FA Cup victory, kept them unbeaten longer than anyone else in the league this season, and somehow makes Canada Goose jackets and chunky turtlenecks look great. Go off, Glasner.

Recently, though, Glasner has gone a little kooky. With his contract coming up and whispers swirling about him potentially taking Ruben Amorim’s job at Manchester United, he’s begun referring to himself in the third person.

Case in point:

“Oliver Glasner does not have the final solution and Steve Parish doesn’t have (it) ... If we can find the same pathway, the same goal – not for Oliver Glasner, (but) for Crystal Palace – then we will end the talks.”

Also:

“There is so much going on. The players and club deserve 100 per cent Oliver Glasner. It’s not about Oliver Glasner’s thoughts. It’s also the chairman, all the employees, the owners.”

Perhaps it's the impending stress of playing Arsenal on Sunday that's gone to his head? Or is he just losing his marbles?

Chelsea

If Arsenal are Set Piece FC, then Chelsea are Red Card FC.

In the dying minutes of the Forest match, Chelsea's Malo Gusto saw red (two yellows, because of course). It didn't change the scoreline, just the vibes.

This came right after Enzo Maresca's own red card against Liverpool (also two yellow cards, the second for excessive celebration). Before that, Chelsea managed to collect red cards in three straight matches across all competitions.

Meanwhile Reece James is out here desperately trying to justify things. Try harder, Reece.

Finally, a bunch of you seemed to really enjoy the très chic pictures of the French National team in my recent post. So if you've read this far, then please enjoy a lil sartorial treat courtesy of the Arsenal players who had a team bonding night out in Mayfair.

GQ, right?

Except for Trossard, who apparently just rolled out of bed.

And Benny Blanco, doing Blanco things.

See you next week!