Gameweek 9: The Highlights

You guys remember my recent hot takes article where I vowed to be pithy?

Clearly, I need to set some boundaries—specifically, a word count limit—when it comes to “short and sweet.” So here goes: your roundup of everything (OK, most things) that happened in the Premier League.

750 words or less. Go!

WTF Chelsea

Chelsea have the youngest team in the Premier League, and like actual children, they're prone to meltdowns (see: 6 red cards in 9 matches). On Saturday, they collapsed against newly promoted Sunderland, giving the Black Cats enough space to build a small housing development on their way to a second, game-winning goal.

Now I'm no tactical genius (let's leave that to Arne), but what in the fresh hell was this defending? Was it even defending? No, 'twas not.

In other news, Alejandro Garnacho scored his first goal as a Chelsea player, but nobody cares.

Even the Sunderland players seemed shocked by the W, as evidenced by this post-match interview where they guessed they were "maybe 4th? or 5th?" when asked about their league position.

They were, in fact, second.

WTF Manchester United

While Chelsea is over here tantrum-ing, someone had to get their act together, but I did not have "Manchester United win 3 matches in a row" on my bingo card.

Their 4-2 victory over Brighton marks their longest league winning streak since February 2024. Dare I say ... United actually look good now?

Never thought I'd write this sentence, but that one fan who vowed not to cut his hair until United win 5 straight matches might want to start Googling local barbers. It’s getting real.

Introducing Arne "can you believe they rotated their team" Slot

Liverpool are having their worst run ever under Arne Slot — six losses in seven matches — but my sympathy levels are somewhere near the bottom of the Mersey at this point. The devil works hard, but Arne Slot's excuse factory works harder!

First it was the United "long ball" thing, and the fact Ruben Amorin rotated the lineup.

Then, after losing to Brentford, Arne blamed the quick turnaround from the Champions League trip — and, apparently, the tragic hardship of playing too many away games.

Mm, yes. It's annoying to play away from home. Tottenham know all about this, having played four out of their five past matches away from home and losing none of them.

What about when Crystal Palace knocked Liverpool out of the Carabao Cup? Oh, that was due to squad depth. Right. The same squad Arne spent £450 million rebuilding.

As you can see, TikTok's having a field day, and so am I.

Bournemouth deserve to be second

If you like to peep at the Premier League table for fun (I only do this when Arsenal are top), you may have noticed some outliers.

Sunderland! Bournemouth! Refreshing, right?

While everyone’s bracing for Sunderland’s inevitable slide back to mid-table mediocrity, Bournemouth feel like the real deal. Andoni Iraola has done a fab job building a team that’s fit, disciplined, and capable of executing a high press.

They're lethal on the counter; just ask Antoine Semenyo.

Bournemouth have also sold high-profile defensive players (Milos Kerkez to Liverpool; Dean Huijsen to Real Madrid) and smartly reinvested, thus improving their defensive solidity.

On that note...

Arsenal's immense back line

Do you want to take a guess at how many goals Arsenal conceded in October?

Go on, guess!

One more time!!!

Our defense is so good that we barely face any shots on target. Our 'keeper David Raya is phenomenal, but he hasn't even had to do much, which is why Arsenal's IG keeps getting spammed with comments like this.

We had a perfect October, we're top of the table, and we're winning the league.

Wolves sink to new lows

At the other end of the table, Wolves are circling the drain. Their match against Burnley ended with a sucker-punch late goal that stole all three points plus their dignity.

They remain the only team not to win a game, and the tension between manager Vitor Pereira, captain Jorgen Strand-Larsen, and the fans is practically combustible. After the loss, Vitor and Strand-Larsen went over to speak with supporters, and when Vitor suggested they should be "proud" of their team, … well, let’s just say things escalated quickly.

Fans are right to be furious IMO. Ticket prices are up, parts of the stadium are still falling apart, and results have been trending downward for a year.

It’s all going très mal at Molineux.

If you've read this far, then please enjoy a lil treat in the form of Ian Wright carpool karaoke-ing like a one-man party.

Have a lovely weekend!