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If The 2023-2024 EPL Clubs Were Celebrities

If The 2023-2024 EPL Clubs Were Celebrities
Photo by James Kirkup / Unsplash

Arsenal: Leonardo DiCaprio (pre “The Revenant” era)

Remember circa 2016, when everyone was joking about whether Leonardo DiCaprio would finally win an Oscar? He literally fought a bear to do it.

Ouch

Like Leo, Arsenal is really good at what they do — in this case, playing fancy football. North London's finest led the Premier League for 248 days in the 2022-2023 season, which is a record considering they ended up coming second to Manchester City (more on that below).

Arsenal haven’t won a league title since 2003-2004. They are once again firing on all cylinders despite a December slump, meaning the jury is still out for this season. They have a shot. I'm not aware of any bears in England.

Aston Villa: Chris Hemsworth

Chris Hemsworth basically came from nowhere (OK, Australia) to play Thor, the sexy god of Thunder. Chris didn’t have a fancy acting pedigree or grow up going to acting school. One day he was surfing on the Golden Coast, and the next, BAM! Lightning!

Defender Matty Cash (pictured above) is really the only Villa player who could pass for Thor ... if you squint at him from a distance. But Villa too, has come from nowhere (OK, last year’s 7th place finish) to make a title challenge. In 2023, they set a record for the most wins in a year in their club history.

Brentford: Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Before you go, “Nikolaj WHO WHAT?,” bear with me for a second. For some reason, Brentford made me think of Denmark, so I did some digging to determine whether this is substantiated. AND IT IS.

Brentford have an unusually high number of Danish players, like midfielders Christian Norgaard, Mathias Jensen, and formerly, Christian Eriksen. To be fair, they also have Englishman Ivan Toney — one of the league’s top scorers in 2022 — and Frenchman Bryan Mbeumo, who stepped up to the plate in Toney’s absence. But I digress. According to The Athletic, club owner Matthew Benham is a majority stakeholder of FC Midtjylland, a Danish club competing in the Super Liga. Brentford’s coach, Thomas Frank, is also Danish!

Coster-Waldau is the only Danish actor I could think of. You probably know him better as Jaime Lannister. He kind of looks like Mathias Jensen … right?

Here's Mathias.

And Jaime.

AFC Bournemouth: Matt Damon

AFC Bournemouth is all about the local seaside community they call home. This is because the club has spent most of its history in lower level leagues, and this is only its second consecutive year in top-flight football. Per The Guardian, fans still pitch in to help out, or do things like “flatten divots” in the turf. The team’s slogan is, “Together, anything is possible,” which feels apt.

Matt Damon is one of Hollywood’s biggest stars, yes, but he’s also one of the more community-minded celebs out there. Like Ben Affleck, he is Boston, and Boston is him. From giving commencement speeches at MIT, to filming promos with the mayor, Damon is a Boston staple.

Like Dunkin’ Donuts. Or pahking yah cah in Hahvahd Yahd.

Brighton: Emma Watson

Even if you don’t watch English football, you’ve probably heard of the Ronaldos and Manchester Uniteds of the world. Not so much Brighton. But in recent years, they’ve become a team to watch, rising from the third tier (in 2011) to (currently) seventh place in the Premier League.

You could say their success stems from their smarts. Brighton chairman Tony Bloom is a gambling mogul, and he's all about leveraging data to scout and sign top talent, per The Athletic. It’s an interesting approach, perhaps best illustrated last year when Chelsea bought then-Brighton coach Graham Potter, along with five other staff members. Fast forward to today, and Chelsea have already burned through two coaches (take 3, you guys), while Brighton are still metaphorically miles ahead of them and sitting pretty in the table.

This smarty-pants club reminds us of another OG smarty-pants: Hermione Granger, aka Emma Watson. Life imitates art for this Potterverse genius, who graduated from Brown University in 2014. She also studied at Oxford and is a UN Ambassador, if you need more proof that Watson is the Hermione we all needed.

Burnley: Maisie Williams (circa Season 1 of “Game of Thrones”)

Everyone is young and inexperienced at some point, but right now, the Burnley squad is especially so. A Reddit conversation from late in 2023 notes that their four attackers have the average age of 21.75, and were only recently signed to the team. Not only that, but it usually takes new players time to gel together and build chemistry — especially in a pressure cooker like the EPL.

It could be a while before Burnley adjusts, as was the case for then-13-year-old Maisie Williams, who portrayed Arya Stark in HBO’s “Game of Thrones.” Maisie has spoken publicly about how difficult it was to be thrust into the spotlight at such a young age, not to mention deal with things like puberty on the show.

It took some time for Maisie to morph into the badass we all know and love. That will likely be the case for Burnley too, but they may not survive in the Premier League long enough to prove me right.

Chelsea: Meghan Markle

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s Netflix deal was allegedly worth $150 million, according to Parade. That’s a lot of money, but it’s still nowhere close to the $1.15 billion (yes, billion with a B) that Chelsea spent to buy football players in 2022 and 2023, via ESPN.

Despite splashing out on the cash, Chelsea is still mediocre at best. Their situation is reminiscent of how Meghan is striving to stay relevant. For better or worse, she’s reaching the end of her rope. So is Chelsea Head Coach, Mauricio Pochettino.

Crystal Palace: Tom Hanks

Unlike other glitzier teams in the Premier League, Crystal Palace is an unpretentious, suburban squad based out of Croydon’s Selhurst Park. The stadium could probably use a good power washing, but hey, relatability is all part of their brand! Though Palace are performing at a high-level in the top flight, they’ve spent the majority of their history as a second and third tier club.

I’m drawing a parallel to Tom Hanks, who is one of Hollywood’s most down-to-earth celebrities. Yes, Hanks is Mr. Rodgers, but he’s also Mr. Relatable — whether he’s hopping on Reddit, or posting about the best luxury items you can snag for under $50. According to his wife, Rita, they use plastic reindeer decorations for Christmas. Same!

True story: Hanks actually supports Aston Villa because he was sold on the fact their name sounds like a spa spot. In his defense, people have supported teams for less.

Everton: Britney Spears

Everton are like Britney Spears in meltdown mode. Last year, they were almost relegated (aka demoted to the next league), despite the fact Everton hasn’t exited the Premier League since 1950-1951. This year, they’ve been penalized for flouting the EPL’s financial stipulations. According to The Athletic, Premier League clubs only have so much money they can lose over a three-year span and Everton recorded well over the maximum of money loss allowed.

Due to breaking Financial Fair Play (FFP) rules, they were docked 10 points, which is a huge blow to hopes they’d end the season in the upper half of the table. It’s the equivalent of Britney Spears dancing with knives on Instagram. Someone check in on them, please.

Disclaimer: I love Britney and the pop star deserves all of our best wishes and support at this time.

Fulham: an ode to the ‘Superbad’ guys

All those guys in “Superbad” — Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Michael Cera, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse — are like the definition of an average dude. This Reddit chain even calls Michael Cera “a courtyard kid you’d see at lunch in high school.” He screams high school mediocrity, which is probably what got him the role in “Juno.” (To be fair, he’s also a good actor.)

The Fulham players don’t look like the “Superbad” guys, but take away the fact they play in the world’s most competitive league, and they’re run-of-the-mill in every other sense. In the 2022-23 season, they finished at the exact halfway point in 10th place. Vice calls them “a neutral favourite amongst Premier League sides” and describes their fanbase as “modest, affable, and disproportionately middle-class.”

Talk about average.

Liverpool: Beyoncé

In the great debate of which Premier League team has been the most successful in the modern era, you can’t discount Liverpool. With established superstars like Mohamed Salah, Trent Alexander-Arnold, and Virgil Van Dijk on the squad, this powerhouse team commands respect. As does Beyoncé any time she steps on the stage. Beyoncé is unparalleled as an entertainer, just like Salah is a maestro when it comes to sniffing out goals.

Like Bey, Liverpool’s fans are some of the league’s classiest, and the team is easy to love. Case in point: this gem from manager Jurgen Klopp after his side won the league in 2020-21.

Luton Town: Charli D’Amelio

Luton Town have never played in the Premier League before. Per Fox Sports, they were last in the top flight in 1991-1992, the year before it was rebranded to the English Premier League. Unlike other wealthy teams with top-tier facilities, Luton’s home, Kennilworth Road, hosts just over 10,000 supporters. For context, Arsenal’s Emirates Stadium holds over 60,000, and Tottenham Hotspurs’ White Hart Lane holds over 62,000.

Ergo, everyone is (pleasantly) surprised to see Luton in the Premiership. It’s reminiscent of when Charli D'Amelio showed up to the VMAs. Like, we know she has a TikTok following … but does she even sing?

Manchester City: Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift and Manchester City striker Erling Halaand both have flowing blonde locks and striking blue eyes. Hello, doppelgangers.

Also, just like Tom Brady and the New England Patriots circa 2002-2005, Taylor Swift and Manchester City win everything. In 2023 alone, City won the Treble, a trifecta of elite trophies: The Champion’s League, the Premier League, and the FA Cup. It’s not fun for everybody else who showed up to play.

We’re over it already. What we’re not over is Head Coach Pep Guardiola’s chunky turtlenecks and sideline style.

A style icon.

Manchester United: Kanye West

Manchester United have historically been one of the best teams in England. This was David Beckham’s boyhood club, and he won the league with Man U in the 1998-1999 season. Just as Kanye was once an industry maverick who gifted us with “The College Dropout,” so too did Man U bless us with gorgeous crosses and goals galore. But the Man U of 2023 is kind of like Kanye today: problematic. 

Mason Greenwood was ejected from the squad after he was accused of rape and sexual assault. Their winger, Antony, was also accused of sexual assault by at least two women in September. Meanwhile, Head Coach Erik Ten Hag got into a fight with their supposed young superstar, Jadon Sancho, who’s basically been cut off.

Meanwhile, Man U have been weathering meltdown after meltdown on the pitch — whether it’s losing 4-3 to Copenhagen in the Champion's League after being 2-0 up at halftime, or conceding seven goals to Liverpool. (That last ass-kicking happened last season, but I’m still not over it.)

And yeah sure, they’ve won four straight, but I still maintain that their form is just like Kanye’s multi-million dollar Wyoming property: freezing cold.

Newcastle United: Megan Thee Stallion

Newcastle United became a Big Deal™ after they nabbed a spot in the Champion’s League in 2022-23. As did Megan Thee Stallion when she won a Grammy for Best New Artist in 2021. But just like Megan’s Tory Lanez court trial, Newcastle is messy. Pundits call them a “physical side.” Also, this.

This season, Newcastle has been plagued with injuries, which was at least partially to blame for their early Champion’s League exit. It’s like they’ve been shot in the foot. Or something.

Newcastle is a tough side, though. Credit to their supporters, the Toon Army, for always going this hard, no matter how freezing cold it is in northeast England.

Nottingham Forest: Russell Crowe

We can’t talk Nottingham Forest without talking about the obvious Robin Hood parallels. First, there’s the name. They’re nicknamed “The Reds” in a nod to Robin Hood, who supposedly hung out in the land where the City Ground stadium was built. In 1979 and 1980, Forest won back-to-back European Cups, which is sort of a small man against Goliath/Prince John story, you might say.

Russell Crowe may have put on some weight since his “Gladiator” days, but he also brought Robin Hood to life on the big screen. He is widely respected for his loyalty and humility, similarly to the “Forest Faithful,” who gather to cheer on their squad on match days.

Sheffield United: Bachelor Nation

Poor Sheffield. In February, Sheffield made history by conceding more goals than any other team at this point in the season in the Premier League. A new low might have been their 5-0 shellacking by Brighton, in which Sheffield’s center-back Mason Holgate was red carded for karate chopping Karou Mitoma.

I can’t think of an A-lister to merit a comparison, so cue reality TV. Sheffield is basically every contestant on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” who couldn’t take a hint. For example, Brayden Bowers' complete delusion on Charity's season.

Or how about Blake Moynes' insistence on showing up to every single Bachelor spinoff franchise and telling us that this time would be different?

And my personal favorite: Clare Crawley LEAVING The Bachelorette with Dale Moss halfway through the season. You signed a contract to see it through, girl!

And Dale STILL broke up with her.

M-E-S-S-Y. Just like Sheffield.

Tottenham Hotspur: The Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber breakup, circa 2018

In this scenario, we’re comparing striker Harry Kane’s 19-year stint at Tottenham Hotspur to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez’s 8-year relationship. 

Ah, young love!

As one of the most prolific goalscorers in the league, Kane was the face of Tottenham — just like Selena and Justin’s identities were wrapped up together. Tottenham finally broke up with Kane in 2023, after he was vocal about his desire to win a major trophy. LOL. Though he doesn’t “sprechen sie Deutsch,” Kane moved to Germany and rebounded with Bayern Munich. We can’t help but be reminded of how Justin rebounded with Hailey Baldwin, and proposed to her less than 6 months after Jelena ended for good.

Both Tottenham and Selena are doing OK though, if you’re wondering. Selena has a new man and a makeup line, while Tottenham striker Heung-Min Son is finally getting a chance to shine in the spotlight. 

Can’t say the same thing about Bayern though … just call it the Harry Kane curse.

West Ham: Logan Paul

Back in the 1970s, 1980s, and ‘90s, West Ham had a serious issue with hooliganism. The club even had its own “hooligan firm,” the Inter City Firm (IFC), so-called because fans used InterCity trains to get to away games. According to TheFirms, they were linked to extreme violent behavior (especially against rivals like Millwall FC) and left cards atop the bodies of those people they attacked that said, “Congratulations, you’ve just met the ICF.” Big yikes. We’d like to say this is outdated, but as recently as May 2023, hooliganism is still alive and well in the club’s culture.

It’s a less extreme example, but Logan Paul is held up as a hooligan in the entertainment industry. The dude has always been running his mouth, even when he was just 22 and making derogatory comments on YouTube. Now, he’s fighting in the UFC and you can bet he loves 

1. The smacktalking

2. Hitting other people.

Wolves: Shawn Mendes

Who knew Shawn Mendes was Portuguese?! Now, you do. OK technically, he’s Canadian-Portuguese, but he’s very proud of his heritage. For example, Shawn has a Portuguese song called “In My Blood,” which played as Portugal’s official World Cup song in 2018. In it, he sings a little bit of Portuguese a whole lot better than say, Justin Bieber sings the Spanish sections of "Despacito."

Shawn represents Wolves, because Wolves are the closest thing the EPL has to a Portuguese national team. As of 2023, they had as many Portuguese players as FC Porto, Portugal’s most famous team. If you’re interested, this TikTok video unpacks the reasons behind the Portuguese revolution at Wolves.