Quarterfinals at the Euros: Week 3 Highlights

Sunday marked the third and fourth matches of the knockouts.

In the day's earlier tie, England faced the mighty Slovaks, ranked #45 in the world. A walk in the park, yes?

HOLD MY BEER, said England manager Gareth Southgate.

90+ minutes of dismal, staid, stodgy, and underwhelming football later, and England trailed Slovakia 0-1.

"Self," I said to myself, as I fumed aloud from the sofa. "England clearly aren't going to be productive, but you still can be!" I promptly abandoned the TV and got up to go do house things.

Hence, I was cleaning dog fur out of the carpet when Jude Bellingham did this.

As I continued to exercise my cleaning productivity, some 4,500 miles away, Harry Kane headed the ball home to put England in front.

Once I felt the carpet was appropriately de-furred, I checked the final score. I had mentally prepared to see sad Gareth get eviscerated in the post-match presser, not unlike poor Roy Hodgson when England lost to Iceland in the 2016 Euros.

Well! We all know the football gods giveth and taketh away depending on the day. On this occasion, they giveth and my cup overfloweth.

I hope your Sunday was just as delightful!

A refresher

With the round of 16 completed, there are now just eight teams left in the tournament. It reads like the major European powers chapter of your World History textbook.

Also, Turkey. Kudos to the Crescent-Stars for giving us tons of exciting football—from their high-octane group stage match against Turkey, to today's intense game against Austria.

Your eight remaining teams:

• Germany
• Spain
• England
• Switzerland
• France
• Portugal
• Netherlands
• Turkey

La Suisse!

You know Switzerland for their wartime neutrality and world-famous chocolate. But milk chocolate Lindt has taken a backseat to Granit Xhaka's midfield masterclass, and rightfully so.

In the first Round of 16 match up, Italy was outplayed and outclassed by a truly impressive Swiss side.

Maybe it was the emotional aftermath of their last gasp goal against Croatia that did them in. Italy never really looked like they were up for it—and as has been the case in all of their matches throughout the tournament, la Azzurri went down first. The second half began with a mess of a kick-off. I imagine Italy's intent was not to give the ball away via wayward passing, but you wouldn't have known it from the players' passivity. The ensuing goal from Swiss winger Ruben Vargas was thoroughly deserved.

After the match, one reporter actually had the nerve to ask Italian head coach Lucian0 Spalletti, "Were Switzerland a Ferrari tonight and Italy a Fiat Panda?"

Honestly. I imagine these poor dudes are crying into their pasta; there was no need to heap a cruel metaphor atop their misery!

P.S. Spalletti has somehow kept his job.

Your tourney faves?

Just a quick note to say that Germany and Spain continue to impress. Germany was imperious against Denmark and there was no raining on their parade—all respect to the very real thunderstorms in the area.

Kai Havertz wreaked havoc with those darting runs. Jamal Musiala was unstoppable. Toni Kroos is still singing his swan song. Somewhere in Germany, that saxophone guy is jamming.

Meanwhile, in Cologne, Spain defeated Georgia 4-1. All credit to Georgia, because they played their hearts out against a very strong Spanish side. One of my fave sequences was when Khvicha Kvaratskelia (say that three times fast) cheekily thumped it from the midfield and only narrowly missed. The audacity! You love to see it.

Also, special congrats to Spain's 16-year-old Lamine Yamal for passing his exams. "I saw the grades on my phone and it said I had passed so I just closed the app, called my mum and told her," Lamine said.

Reminds me of that time I also aced my SATs while representing my country in the Euros, good times.

Hey, Jude

To borrow a Gen Z parlance, Jude Bellingham is That Girl, aka someone who's successful in everything they do.

In 2023, Jude went to global powerhouse Real Madrid for €103 million. Now 20 years old, he's Real Madrid's leading goalscorer and a freshly-minted Champion's League victor. And unlike Messi, who has always been uncomfortable with media attention, Jude thrives in the spotlight.

He carries the weight of the nation on his back, and he looks good doing it. As Jude mouthed to the crowd after scoring that ridiculous bicycle kick, "WHO ELSE?" And as he answered a reporter when asked who writes his scripts, "I DO."

Iconic.

Star power warrants the attention of the world, not just football fans. And the world loves Jude. Just ask Patrick Mahomes, Joel Embiid, David Beckham, JJ Watt, etc. etc.

"That's what Jude does," England captain Harry Kane said after the game. "It was an unbelievable goal. One of the best in our country's history, I reckon."

Superstar he may be, but here's a gentle reminder that our sporting heroes are flawed human beings, just like us. Jude is currently being investigated by UEFA "regarding a potential violation of the basic rules of decent conduct."

After scoring that 95th minute banger, Jude apparently made a rude gesture toward the Slovakian bench. He claimed it was "an inside joke," but who knows for sure?

It's OK to love football players. It's fun to love football players. I guess the moral of the story is that no one is perfect.

The reign of OG

On Monday, Belgium fizzled out of the Euros thanks to an own goal from Jan Vertonghen. That brings us to a tally of 9 own goals, 3 times more than the current leading goalscorer (Germany's Jamal Musiala).

He hasn't had any assists yet, but he doesn't need them. Give the Golden Boot to Own Goal already. Long may he reign!

Diva behavior

Like England and France, Portugal haven't exactly been firing on all cylinders. On Monday, they scraped past the defensive fortress that is Slovenia—but not without plenty of blood, sweat, and tears.

Lots of tears. From one man in particular.

Portugal were held scoreless in regular time. Per always, Cristiano Ronaldo had the least amount of touches and the most shots of any Portuguese player, which feels appropriate I guess.

Whether he was demanding to take all the free kicks himself, psyching himself up ahead of set pieces, or animatedly screaming his frustration to the skies, Ronaldo made it all about himself. The icing on the cake was missing a penalty in extra time as Slovenia's Jan Oblak made a great save. In response, Ronaldo began to cry.

If you're drawing parallels between CR7's behavior on Monday and his antics in the 2022 World Cup—namely, leaving his teammates behind and sobbing as he walked down the tunnel when Portugal lost—you're not wrong.

Like Messi, Ronaldo is more than a player. He's an icon. A brand.

But is this really how he wants to be remembered? As a crying diva who demands to be the centerpiece of this Portuguese side, forcing other top strikers (like Diogo Jota) into supporting roles?

It doesn't help that Portugal's head coach Roberto Martinez is all aboard the Ronaldo train, full steam ahead. "Cris is our captain and he showed that in life and in football there are difficult moments but we cannot give up, he showed what to do when things don't go well," Roberto said.

I assume Roberto is talking about the mental fortitude Ronaldo showed to convert another penalty so soon after missing his first.

To be fair, Ronaldo is also teaching us to cry when things don't go our way.

We've now concluded your Round of 16 update, but don't cry because it's over—smile because it happened!

P.S. Who do you think is going to win the Euros? Comment your pick below (for fun).