Ranking Each Premier League Team's Transfer Window

SHE LIVES.

Not that you had a choice, but thanks for bearing with me during my summer-long hiatus. It was needed I promise!

Please accept my deepest apologies for ghosting you, in the form of these highlight photos from June through August. (Potty training endeavors excluded. You're welcome.)

It's still upwards of 90 degrees outside, but my cousin (a teacher), let me know her class just returned to school.

And guess what else is back?

This Premier League transfer window has seen more action than my child's bedtime escape attempts on any day that ends in a y. So, now that we're one week into 38 thrilling weeks packed with tears, trophies, meltdowns, VAR controversies, and (crosses fingers) goals galore by Viktor Gyökeres, here's a quick catch-up on what's gone down.

Today, we'll be discussing and grading every single Premier League team's transfer window (thus far, anyway). Let's start with the best, shall we?

Arsenal

Headlining Signing: Viktor Gyökeres

My kingdom for a striker!

I don't know what has me more scarred: Gabriel Jesus's recurring knee issues, the disappointment that was Eddie Nketiah, Kai Havertz's hamstring injury in Dubai, or Mikel Merino, a midfielder, being told midway through the season that he needs to play up top.

Fact of the matter is, a striker's been long overdue. And not one with the luxury of time, either. We need a proven goalscorer who can bag 20+ goals a season, and we needed one yesterday.

Enter Viktor Gyökeres, a Swede with the physical build to rival Erling Haaland for the league's most intimidating Viking.

Formerly at Sporting Lisbon, Gyökeres was the Portuguese league's top scorer by a mile, notching 54 goals in 52 appearances (39 of them top flight goals).

And while Arsenal prides themselves on gorgeous, free-flowing, tiki-taka football, I appreciate that Gyökeres hits the ball like he's trying to murder the goalie. I want my striker to shoot with conviction, OK?

Beyond Gyökeres, sporting director Andrea Berta has done a good job of adding new talent including CDM Martin Zubimendi, winger Noni Madueke, midfielder Christian Norgaard, CB Cristhian Mosquera, and 'keeper Kepa Arrizabalaga.

COME ON YOU GUNNERS. My delusion knows no bounds! This year's our year!

Grade: A-

Aston Villa

Headlining Signing: Big fat nobody

I've perused Villa's new signings and I don't recognize a single name. Yasin Ozcan? I'm sorry, WHO? Zepiqueno Redmond? Big question marks over here. Maybe if I watched the Dutch league I'd have a clue.

I mean no offense to these players. I'm sure they're great, but the lack of attacking firepower over there in Birminghan doesn't exactly scream of ambition. It feels especially lacking for a team that played in the Champion's League just last year. Villa is blaming Profit & Sustainability rules, but how come Manchester United are just over there splashing out tons of cash hmmm?

All this and Aston Villa had the audacity to raise ticket prices this year.

However, the fans are just as delusional about their team as I am about Arsenal's chances, so good on them I guess.

Grade: F

Bournemouth

Headlining Signing: Djordje Petrovic

It's never good when your top signing is a goalie. Honestly, I'd argue that the Cherries should be more hyped about Antoine Semenyo's new contract than Petrovic joining the team. I'm also told former Lille defender Bafodé Diakité just joined the team in what was Bournemouth's second most expensive transfer to date, but I have little to say on the subject.

I'm a little worried about Bournemouth. They've been busy cashing out, sending the likes of Dean Huijsen to Real Madrid, Milos Kerez to Liverpool, and Jaidon Anthony to Burnley. The money's nice, but now might be the time to do something more with it.

Then again, who am I to judge? Bournemouth's finance team didn't call me!

Grade: C-

Brentford

Headlining Signing: Jordan Henderson

The Bees have been punching above their weight for a while now, but sadly, the days of Yoane Wissa and Bryan Mbeumo running riot over defenders are over.

With Mbeumo now at Manchester United, Thomas Frank at Tottenham and Christian Nørgaard at Arsenal, Brentford have lost their top scorer, their most successful manager to date, and their captain. Wissa has one foot out the door now, too.

Enter Jordan Henderson. He was a legend at Liverpool, but his reputation took a hit when he picked a payday at Saudi over preserving his own legacy. No surprise he came groveling back to England!! Saudi is the worst. I said what I said!

Brentford are banking on him to plug the leadership gap left behind by Nørgaard, but I think that at 35, Henderson's glory days are behind him. Sort of like Kyle Walker's sprint down the wings.

Grade: D

Burnley

Headlining Signing: Kyle Walker

Speaking of Kyle Walker! He won a bunch of trophies at Manchester City and was one of the best fullbacks in the game, until attackers started outrunning him for fun. Ah, well. Turning 35 will do that to you!

I say this at the ripe old age of 34, consistently believing that I can still run 5 miles on the fly. You'd think the throbbing pain in my left ankle would teach me a lesson, but like I said, DELUSION!

2024 wasn't the best time for Kyle. His wife, then pregnant with their fourth child, discovered that Kyle had been cheating with his mistress (again). Maybe she gave him an ultimatum, or maybe Pep Guardiola took pity on him; either way, Kyle got shipped off to AC Milan on loan earlier this year.

Now he's back in the Premier League because Burnley came calling. Or as one Internet sleuth hypothesized,

Best of luck, Kyle!

As well as Kyle, Burnley also picked up some solid Premier League players, including Jaidon Anthony, formerly of Bournemouth, and Axel Tuanzebe, formerly of Ipswich Town.

Doesn't matter. They still got spanked by Tottenham. How's that stellar defensive record now?

Grade: C+

Brighton & Hove Albion

Headlining Signing: Maxim de Cuyper

Brighton might just be the savviest team in the league. They consistently beat teams spending 2x or 3x times their budget, and that's all down to a recruitment strategy that's sharper than most manager's tactics. Majority owner Tony Bloom made his fortune in sports betting and under his watch, the club engages in some kind of statistical wizardry to scout players with a hidden edge.

Whatever they're doing, it's working. Brighton made a lot of money by selling the likes of Pervis Estupiñán and now João Pedro to Chelsea. I'll be the first to admit that I had no idea who Maxim de Cuyper was before this summer (Google tells me he's a fullback from Club Brugge). Then again, did I know who Estupiñán, Caicedo, or Mitoma were before Brighton worked their magic on them? No, I did not!

But with Mr. Bloom's pockets weighed down by transfer profits, I think it's high time he started spending. The squad looks OK so far, but I'd love to see them make a marquee signing. Prove me right, Brighton!

Grade: C

Chelsea

Headlining Signing(s): Liam Delap & João Pedro

Say what you will about Chelsea, but they're good at spending money. Whether that money works out for them is a different story.

However, this has been a savvier transfer window for them. They're trimming the fat–or, as my company explained when doing layoffs, "evaluating resources and efficiencies"–by offloading players like Christopher Nkunku, João Felix, Djordje Petrovic, Noni Madueke, and Kepa Arrizabalaga.

In their place come Liam Delap and João Pedro—both young, talented, good at scoring goals, and unlikely to cost the GDP of a small country in wages (à la Raheem Sterling). I, for one, can't wait to see how Delap plays on a stronger team!

Maybe this is the dawn of a more measured Chelsea. Then again, the Blues are also reportedly looking to drop £50 million on Alejandro Garnacho, so maybe not. And, with defender Levi Colwill injured, Enzo Maresca is reportedly yelling about how he needs more signings, even though he literally has 12 other defensive bodies (that's the exact number, I double checked).

Lots of signings do not a good team make. Chelsea know this better than anyone.

Grade: B+

Crystal Palace

Headlining Signing: I don't know. You don't know. Nobody knows!

About a month ago, my husband turned to me randomly and said, "Can you believe what's happened to Crystal Palace?" To which I responded with a big fat WUT.

One Google later, I was still struggling to wrap my head around the fact that Crystal Palace, despite winning the FA Cup, won't be playing in the Europa League this year. Normally, that win is a golden ticket into Europe’s second-biggest competition (and its tasty prize money). But thanks to a multi-club ownership conflict with Lyon, who also qualified, Palace were bumped down to the Conference League play-offs.

TL;DR: Palace really got shafted.

Everything at the club is stalling as they try to navigate this disappointment and plan next steps. Plus, in order to fund a squad rejuvenation (which they need), they'd have to sell captain Marc Guehi.

However, Palace should get credit for holding onto their star man Jean-Philippe Mateta and signing someone named Borna Sosa from Ajax. Although Eberechi Eze may just slip through their fingers...to Arsenal, maybe? Hopefully?

Grade: F

Everton

Headlining Signing: Jack Grealish

Everton have waved bye-bye to a number of senior players this transfer window, including Dominic Calvert-Lewin, Abdoulaye Doucoure, Ashley Young, Neal Maupay, etc.

To my great dismay, the dude who once celebrated a goal against Brighton (aka the Seagulls) by pretending to be a seagull is also gone. Say it ain't so!

Honestly, the clear-out was overdue. And while Everton have attempted a rebuild, bringing in Thierno Barry from Villarreal (11 goals in 35 La Liga matches last year), Mark Travers from Bournemouth, and Adam Aznou, from Bayern Munich, it might not be enough.

Anyway, it's Jack Grealish who's made headlines.

Friendly reminder: Jack is the man who still doesn't know what an encyclopedia is, who has multiple Instagram accounts dedicated solely to his calves, whose hilariously poor attempts to speak Chinese live rent-free in my head, and who was once photographed lying in the street looking ... less than match-fit.

On the football side: Jack broke records as the most expensive English signing ever when he joined Manchester City in 2021. But after falling out with Pep Guardiola and starting just 7 games last season, a move to Merseyside (even if it's on loan) makes sense.

Everton/England/Manchester United legend Wayne Rooney gave his seal of approval after dining with Jack. Although maybe that's because Jack's taking the No 18 that Rooney once wore. Rooney said,

"Everton is a club where the fans expect and demand hard work from the players. There is no doubt Jack will do that but then he has the quality on top of that which will make him a fans' favourite."

Grade: C+

Fulham

Headlining Signing: Zip. Zilch, Zero.

The Cottagers' big move this summer? A 34-year-old 'keeper named Benjamin Lecomte, who'll probably spend the season warming the bench. For perspective: Benjamin and I were born exactly two days apart.

Someone might need to check on Fulham. Do they even know the transfer window is open?

Grade: F

Leeds

Headlining Signing(s): Lucas Perri, Dominic Calvert-Lewin

The head honchos over at Elland Road are desperate to stay in the Premier League, even though it's just kicked off. They've already invested around £75m to date, with more spending still in the cards – and apparently their M.O. is buying players over 6 feet tall. Because set pieces are their one-way ticket to goal(s)!

The new skyscraper squad includes Lucas Perri (6'6"), Anton Stach (6'4"), Sebastiaan Bornauw (6'3"), Jaka Bijol (6'3"), Dominic Calvert-Lewin (6'2"), and Lukas Nmecha (6'1"). It's called head-it-and-hope football, people.

Dom is a strong addition up front; the 28-year-old knows his way to goal, thank you very much. But Lucas Perri might be just as important. Current keeper Ilan Meslier is prone to errors, and Perri feels like a steadier pair of hands between the sticks. If Leeds do survive, cutting down goals against is just as critical as scoring them.

A tall order (see what I did there?).

Grade: B+

Liverpool

Headlining Signings: Hugo Ekitike, Florian Wirtz, and ... Isak (???)

Winning the title last year wasn't enough. Now, Liverpool are just getting greedy! They've overhauled their squad with some of the biggest names in football, including Bayer Leverkusen's Florian Wirtz and Jeremie Frimpong, as well as someone named Hugo Ekitike.

To quote the now-humbled Erling Haaland, my first reaction re: Ekitike was, "who the f*** are you?" Only to eat my words when Ekitike scored on his Premier League debut against Bournemouth. Not only was it the very first goal of this Premier League season, but he celebrated by honoring the late Diogo Jota.

Classy move. Respect, Hugo. Jota, you are forever in our hearts. Rest in power.

As if that attacking line wasn’t scary enough, Liverpool are circling Newcastle’s Alexander Isak. The Magpies want a boatload of cash, Isak wants the move, and I want to stop imagining a front line of Salah, Ekitike, Isak, and company.

That's literally a nightmare scenario for defenders. And for anyone who doesn't support the Reds.

Grade: A

Manchester City

Headlining Signing(s): Tijjani Reijnders, Sverre Nypan, and Rayan Ait-Nouri

At the risk of sounding petty–ha! you already know I'm petty!–seeing Manchester City flounder like an upside-down turtle was one of my personal highlights last season.

And Pep Guardiola has done some soul-searching since then, most notably, in the transfer market. City scouted someone whose name put me in mind of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (Tijjani Reijnders), and to whom I blindly entrusted my faith in Fantasy Premier League. Spoiler: it paid off.

They’ve also snapped up Sverre Nypan, and hey—the last time City splashed on a young Norwegian, it turned out pretty well. No pressure, Sverre!

Add in Rayan Aït-Nouri to strengthen the back line, and you get the sense Pep’s laying foundations. Still, none of these names carry Haaland-level notoriety. Then again, the transfer window's not closed yet!

Grade: B+

Manchester United

Headlining Signing(s): Benjamin Šeško, Bryan Mbeumo, and Matheus Cunha

You could attribute Manchester United's worst-ever finish last year on any number of factors, but the owners clearly decided the problem's down to a lack of goals. And they have a point. United managed just 44 Premier League goals last season. For context, Mo Salah alone contributed to 47 (29 scored, 18 assisted). That’s one Egyptian king outproducing an entire squad.

(To keep myself from crying over Arsenal, I laughed at United, OK?)

So the checkbook came out—even though no one knows where United's money is actually coming from—and the powers that be splashed out on Matheus Cunha (Wolves' top scorer), Bryan Mbeumo (Brentford's top scorer), and my personal nemesis, Benjamin Šeško.

Suddenly, the attacking line looks a whole lot more dangerous.

Although, it still wasn't enough to beat Arsenal–and we played like s**t on Sunday. HAHAHAHA.

Clearly, goals aren't the only thing missing. Arsenal's David Raya is proof of the difference that a good goalkeeper can make. And don't even get me started on United's defensive depth.

So, yes, the attack is better on paper, but unless the rest of the pitch is patched up, United risk being the kind of team that wins 4–3 instead of 2–0.

The pressure's on manager Ruben Amorim now, because with this kind of firepower up front, fans' patience will wear thin fast if results don’t follow.

Grade: B

Newcastle

Headlining Signing: Anthony Elanga

You can have all the money in the world, but without the aura of a "Big Six" club, it only gets you so far. Just ask Newcastle.

They wanted Bryan Mbeumo—he chose Manchester United. They wanted Benjamin Šeško—also United.

They wanted Viktor Gyökeres—he only had eyes for Arsenal.

Anthony Elanga is a solid addition, or at least he was until this whole saga with Alexander Isak went from bad to worse. Newcastle's star striker is desperate for a Liverpool move and the tension has boiled over in the pettiest way possible: an Instagram story that feels like it was pulled out of BookTok's latest rom-com obsession.

"When promises are broken and trust is lost, the relationship can't continue..." OK CALM DOWN, SIR.

The problem for Newcastle is that Isak has burned his bridges with the club, which makes their need for an elite striker an urgent one. And that's just the tip of the iceberg! European football's on the horizon, but the squad is paper-thin. They need reinforcements basically everywhere outside of defense and the wings (depth in midfield, another striker, etc.).

It could be a long season at St. James' Park.

Grade: D

Nottingham Forest

Headline Signing: Douglas Luiz

Please excuse me while I LOL about Morgan Gibbs-White staying at Nottingham Forest, because the whole thing by Tottenham was peak comedy.

Quick refresher: Spurs reportedly triggered a £60 million release clause in Gibbs-White's contract, Forest disputed the legality of the approach, accused Tottenham of breaching confidentiality about the clause, and even threatened legal action. In the end, Gibbs-White signed a shiny new deal with Forest.

Tottenham, you guys s**k.

Arguably, Forest's most exciting signing is Douglas Luiz, who arrives from Juventus to bolster the midfield. The former Villa man brings muscle, passing range, and plenty of top-flight experience—not to mention some fun dance moves.

Luiz joins James McAtee, Omari Hutchinson, and Arnaud Kalimuendo, all of whom bring depth and attacking spark. And if Saturday's performance is anything to go by, Forest has picked up right where they left off last season.

That's a good thing BTW.

Grade: B-

Sunderland

Headlining Signing: Granit Xhaka

Hands down, my favorite performance of the weekend was Sunderland's emphatic 3-0 win over West Ham.

First, the fans unveiled this TIFO to mark Sunderland's first Premier League game in 8 years. Objectively terrifying. And also kind of awesome.

Then, the Black Cats went on to score three goals in the second half; the fans cried; I cried, and it was all thanks to Granit Xhaka, maybe? (No, not really.)

Talk about a signing, though!

The former Arsenal captain (who'll forever have a piece of my heart) gives this side a steel backbone and years of big-league experience. You can also expect a steady supply of yellow cards because Xhaka's never been one to shy away from a tackle. I'm looking forward to seeing him continue to boss the midfield.

Another great piece of business for Sunderland was signing Simon Adingra from Brighton. The winger notched 8 Premier League goals and 3 assists during his time with Brighton, and on Saturday he wasted no time, assisting Sunderland's second goal and looking dangerous every time he had the ball. If this is a preview of things to come, then maybe Sunderland will be the first promoted side in three years to avoid the dreaded one-and-done.

Grade: B+

Tottenham Hotspur

Headlining Signing: Mohammed Kudus

Tottenham’s summer has been… eventful. There was the whole Morgan Gibbs-White circus (see above), a miraculous squeeze into the Champions League, and, oh yeah, firing their manager. Busy times at the Toilet Bowl Lane.

Things could get brighter with Mohammed Kudus arriving from West Ham. He had a rough campaign last season, but don’t forget that his debut Premier League season yielded 8 goals and 9 assists. Put him in the right system, and he could be back to good form.

That “right system” might just come under new manager Thomas Frank. After cementing himself as Brentford’s most successful boss, Frank steps into Spurs with a reputation for tactical flexibility and smart squad management. It's a nice change from Big Ange's relentless high-press-or-bust philosophy.

Spurs also managed a smart coup by securing João Palhinha on loan from Bayern Munich. The midfield enforcer should bring composure to a side that can get panicky.

But let's be real: this is still Tottenham. And they'll never be as good as Arsenal and North London will always be red.

Even Thomas Frank knows it.

Grade: B-

West Ham United

Headlining Signing(s): El Hadji Malick Diouf, Kyle Walker-Peters

West Ham fans might be just as tired of yelling "We need a striker" into the void as I am. Mohammed Kudus didn't fit manager Graham Potter's system last season, but who have they signed since then to solve the problem, hmm?

Instead, West Ham have doubled down on the wingbacks with El Hadji Malick Diouf and Kyle Walker-Peters. That's great for the wingbacks, I guess. But up front? I see Jarrod Bowen and ... no one else.

So it’s really no shock that Sunderland came in and popped West Ham’s bubbles. The only thing popping faster than their bubbles is the question of who will actually score a goal.

Grade: D

Wolverhampton Wolves

Headlining Signing(s): Jhon Arias, Jackson Tchatchoua

Wolves said bye to Rayan Aït-Nouri, Matheus Cunha, Pablo Sarabia, plus more. Big yikes. That makes the permanent signing of Jørgen Strand-Larsen feel less like a shrewd piece of business and more like basic necessity.

They did bring in Jhon Arias to boost the attack, but he’s no Cunha. And on Saturday, Wolves got absolutely steamrolled 4–0 by Manchester City. So, when do they hit the panic button? Yesterday, probably.

Manager Vítor Pereira has said he wants “at least three” more players before the deadline and they've just signed the super speedy Jackson Tchatchoua (bless you) as the new right wing-back. But something tells me that a 23-year-old with zero top-flight experience is going to take some time to acclimate in England. Don't expect miracles, people.

Vitor, see you in the pub, mate!

Grade: F

And to you, if you've stuck with me for this long: cheers to a spectacular Premier League campaign, and trophy/ies for Arsenal!