Best of the 2024 EPL Transfers "The Bachelor"-style (PART 1)

You're probably (at least somewhat) familiar with America's favorite reality TV show, "The Bachelor/The Bachelorette?" I hope so.

It is brain rotting entertainment of the highest quality. And by that, I mean you can plop yourself in front of the TV and let your brain "rot" as you unwind from your daily stressors.

Whatever trials you've weathered – b****y coworkers and bosses, screaming children, a sneaking suspicion that you've yet to fulfill your potential in life – "The Bachelor" will alleviate your stress. There's nothing like watching people make hilarious, questionable decisions about their love lives on national TV to put your own life in perspective.

Even if you don't watch the show, you probably get the premise. An alarmingly large group of men/women compete for the chance to find their soulmate gain lasting influencer status and fund their lifestyle through FabFitFun and/or hair vitamin partnerships.

Like I mentioned above, you probably know of "The Bachelor," even if you don't watch it. But do you know about this year's Premier League transfers? Probably not. And who could expect you to, when it was such a confusing dumpster fire?

To help you out, I've highlighted some of the more headline-grabbing transfers – written as if they were "Bachelor" contestants.

Enjoy!

Jadon Sancho

~Manchester United traded Jadon Sancho to Chelsea on deadline day after he spent last year on loan at Borussia Dortmund.

Jadon Sancho was in an open relationship with Manchester United for 3 years, during which time Borussia Dortmund was always his preferred side piece. But three's a crowd.

Jadon's break-up with Manchester United may have been hastened along by the fact that manager Erik Ten Hag hates his guts, but can we choose to believe that Chelsea feels a real love connection with the dynamic, dribbling winger?

The lesson here is to find someone who looks at you like Dortmund looks at Jadon.

Also, never settle.

Raheem Sterling

~Chelsea traded Raheem Sterling to Arsenal on a year-long loan just before the transfer deadline. Raheem is one of England's top goalscorers but had lost his form at Chelsea.

When 29-year-old Raheem Sterling was brutally dumped from first team football at Chelsea, he sought clarity–both through personal introspection and a very public PR statement.

The experience taught him that grown-up relationships take work and communication. And even when you do go to all the trouble, sometimes it just doesn't work out.

That's why Raheem divorced Chelsea manager Enzo Maresca and shacked up with Arsenal manager, Mikel Arteta. Raheem previously worked with Mikel during his most successful spell at Manchester City, and he wasn't willing to let Mikel be the one that got away.

Will Raheem find lasting love at the Emirates and/or lead Arsenal to title glory? Tune in and find out.

Eddie Nketiah

~Arsenal Academy star Eddie Nketiah was permanently transferred to Crystal Palace after making it clear he wanted more playing time. It was originally believed that he'd go to Nottingham Forest, but Eddie didn't agree to personal terms.

Eddie Nketiah recently ended a 7-year relationship with his "Hometown Honey," AKA Arsenal. The breakup was mutual. Arsenal wasn't willing to fully commit to Eddie and give him more minutes on the pitch. And Eddie was all grown up and ready to seek more playing time – so both parties felt it was time for him to spread his wings and date someone else.

Except, not Nottingham Forest. Hard pass on that long-distance relationship!

Nope, Eddie might be leaving home, but he's still dating close to home–which is why Crystal Palace is the perfect fit.

Love isn't always crystal clear, but when you know, you know. And Eddie's hoping that CPFC crystallizes all of his footballing dreams ...

[OK, I'm done now.]

Dominic Solanke

~After a standout 2023-24 season at Bournemouth, Dominic left the Cherries on a permanent transfer to Tottenham.

They say true love means looking for the best in people. But Dominic Solanke knows that love can also mean being appreciated for your awesomeness.

In 2023-24, Dominic scored 19 goals, an astronomical improvement on the previous season. All those goals acted as the best kind of thirst trap.

Plenty of suitors came calling, but Dominic chose to give his rose to the lesser of the two North London clubs, Tottenham Hotspur. Love often blossoms from attraction. Will this be the case here too, or is this a relationship that both Dominic and Tottenham are looking at through rose-colored glasses?

Niclas Füllkrug

~Niclas was a standout player at the 2024 Euros, after which he was traded to West Ham from Borussia Dortmund.

Mr. Füllkrug isn't a regular Nicholas, he's a cool Niclas – by virtue of leaving out a few letters in the traditional English spelling of his name.

Gap-toothed he may be, but the man is also 6'2" and 31 years old. He's no dewy-eyed Uni grad! Niclas has been around the block a few times, and he's not about to let anyone push him around. Remember when he broke some random dude's hand by slamming a ball into it at the Euros? It was an accident, but the point remains.

Don't f**k around and find out with this guy, because Niclas is dropping the hammer at West Ham!

It may be too soon to tell, but he feels he's found The One.

Aaron Ramsdale

~Back-up goalkeeper Aaron Ramsdale left Arsenal for Southampton on a permanent transfer. Apparently, he really hit it off with the Southampton lads after he dressed up as Hagrid to watch his friend, fellow Southampton player David Brooks, in the Championship play-off final.

Aaron Ramsdale was in a three-year relationship with Arsenal, but the Gunners never really appreciated him. All Aaron ever wanted was a little bit of love, attention, and 90+ minutes between the sticks every weekend. Alas!

Enough was enough. Aaron finally decided he values himself enough to look for somebody who values him back.

Well, love has a funny habit of showing up when you least expect it. Like when you attend a Southampton Championship play-off match dressed up as Hagrid (??), and it makes the entire team realize that they've been playing with a giant-shaped hole in their lives this whole time.

Now, both Aaron and Southampton are playing for keeps.

Amadou Onana

~In what's being hyped as an astute piece of business, Aston Villa signed defensive midfielder Amadou Onana from Everton.

Did Amadou Onana love Everton? Sure. But wow, was that a dead-end relationship heading nowhere!

How was Amadou supposed to grow and challenge himself and thrive when his significant other had no money in the bank and some serious downer vibes? In the end, they just weren't on the same level.

No, Amadou doesn't view it as selling out. It's calling trading up.

And it's working out well so far, given that the midfielder has 2 goals in 3 matches for Aston Villa. Just look what he can accomplish when his S.O. enables him to shine.

Author's Note: This piece was starting to get out-of-control long, so I've broken it up into two parts. Part 2 coming next week!