Your Update: Gameweeks 26 & 27

Did you miss me?

In the wake of my company's "restructuring" (even though I didn't lose my job) and a family funeral, your girl is down, but not out.

I'd say this tweet about sums up the energy over here.

Meanwhile, I hope spring is springing wherever you are and that your EPL team(s) are winning. But get out of here if you're a Tottenham Hotspur fan.

Now, let's talk shop!

When the table was decided

It is with deepest regret I inform you that in the past two weeks, Arsenal drew away to Nottingham Forest and lost at home to West Ham.

Liverpool won both their games, leaving them 13 points clear at the top of the table, and making it feel like this season's winner has been all but officially crowned.

Of course, there is that saying about the Fat Lady and how bad her singing is, but I'm just telling it like it is.

Meanwhile, the math is just really not mathing for the three bottom teams. Southampton is 13 points adrift wayyyy down there, Leicester and Ipswich are 5 points off, and the only numbers I see going up with any kind of regularity are the goals conceded.

Southampton may always have been doomed (they're like the Sheffield United of last year), but the past few weeks have marked a turning point for Ipswich and Leicester. Leicester have conceded 6 goals and scored 0; meanwhile, Ipswich lost 4-1 to Tottenham and then narrowly lost to Manchester United.

When a new manager works vs. doesn't work

While we're already roasting Leicester, let me go ahead and heap further doom and gloom upon the Foxes.

As you guys know, Leicester fired their former manager Steve Cooper for petty reasons last year. In his stead, they hired Ruud van Nistelrooy, because Ruud scored 150 goals when he was playing at Manchester United, so therefore he must know how to coach the Foxes into scoring goals, right?

Wrong.

A good footballer doesn't necessarily make for a good manager. It's a hard lesson to learn, but one that Stevie G and Frank Lampard and most of all, Wayne Rooney, taught us well.

Under Ruud, Leicester have won just one of their last 12 league matches and lost 11. To compare their back line to a sieve is, quite frankly, an insult to sieves in kitchen sinks everywhere. During this period, Leicester also lost six games in a row without scoring a single goal.

I'd make a halfhearted joke about Arsenal, but it's not even fair because Arsenal are missing just about their full attacking line and they STILL scored 7 goals against PSV on Tuesday night. HA.

Let's compare Ruud's rough time with that of David Moyes's new term at Everton.

I'll be honest. I was skeptical when David Moyes (or, as I lovingly call him, "Moist David) returned to Merseyside. He's 61, and sometimes I feel like these older managers deserve to ride off into the sunset and enjoy their retirement in peace, rather than weathering mini heart attacks every game week.

But David's clearly got another rodeo left in him yet.

Everton's former manager, Sean Dyche, really bought into that whole "defense wins games" thing. I'm not bashing this–Mikel Arteta clearly thinks so, too–but your team has to be able to score goals. In the ~two months since David was hired, Everton have scored exactly half of their 30 Premier League goals. Specifically, they've doubled their goals from 0.8 to 1.9 per game and increased their xG from 0.96 to 1.45 per game.

For Everton, hiring David wasn't the sexiest choice in the world. For Leicester, hiring Ruud was. But it's clear that only one of these choices is working.

Resurgence of Crystal Palace

ICYMI, Crystal Palace are coming on strong. I am a former competitive runner (so please excuse the cliche comparison), but they are absolutely that girl who kicks with 200m to go.

The Eagles won both their matches in gameweeks 26 and 27, the latter of which was a 4-1 thumping away at Aston Villa. It's quite a turnaround from the Eagles' poor start to the season, but you could say the same thing about the 2023-24 season. Back then, following manager Oliver Glasner's February takeover, Palace won 24 out of a possible 39 points to conclude the season by finishing tenth, their highest finish in nearly a decade.

So, is a repeat in the cards? It sure feels like it!

Big kudos are in order for Crystal Palace forward Jean-Philippe Mateta and his shirt-tucking-in skills. My dad thinks that's because Mateta wants to make it obvious to the ref when people pull his shirt. I used to think it was a strange sartorial choice; now, I think it's genius.

FA Cup: red cards galore

Speaking of Mateta!

If you thought you had a bad past few weeks (*raises hand), well, spare a thought for Monsieur JP.

In the fifth round of the FA Cup, Crystal Palace faced Milwall. And perhaps the team was really preoccupied with Mateta's prowess, because in the opening ten minutes of the match, Milwall 'keeper Liam Roberts basically scissor-kicked the Frenchman in a move that made viewers everywhere double check that they were indeed watching football and not MMA. Mateta was immediately rushed to the hospital, where he received 25 stitches to his ear.

(I'm having awful flashbacks to that "Battle of the Bastards" episode of Game of Thrones, when Tormund bites that guy's ear off. Shudders)

Liam has received a 6-game ban after what Crystal Palace chairman Steve Parish called a "life-endangering" challenge on Mateta. Phew. I'm pretty sure no one remembers the final scoreline (3-1 Palace, if you care), but happily, JP's ear is still at least partially attached to his head. He later updated fans in an IG story, writing that he hopes to be back "soon. And stronger than ever." Godspeed, sir.

But Liam's challenge on Mateta wasn't the only red card of the FA cup weekend. Wolves' Matheus Cunha completely lost his marbles and headbutted Bournemouth's Milos Kerkez. He then made it worse for himself by refusing to get off the pitch.

Elsewhere on the South Coast, Newcastle's Anthony Gordon also got red-carded for fouling Brighton's Jan Paul van Hecke.

Seriously, get your s**t together guys.

UCL Update

We've now reached the part of the program that gives me the most joy: your UCL update.

There are still three English Premier League teams left in the Champion's League knockout round, and all three of them are absolutely kicking butt. Sure, Liverpool's smash-and-grab win over PSG was the least convincing, but Arsenal and Aston Villa?

Arsenal absolutely destroyed PSV Eindhoven, winning 7-1 and marking the first time a team had ever scored 7 goals away from home in a knockout stage. This came after not scoring a goal in our previous two games, making the victory even sweeter. COYG!

And Villa beat Club Brugge 3-1 in their first Champion's League knockout win since 1982.

There's lots of Champion's League this week for you, from the Madrid derby to the German derby, to more showdowns for our English teams. Let's go, lads!

P.S. Much like myself, my blog is currently experiencing technical difficulties and I'm wrapping up this post slightly earlier than anticipated. Shoot me an email directly if you have any issues reading!