Your Update: Gameweeks 30 & 31

On the eve of the much-anticipated Champion's League quarterfinal match-up between Arsenal and Real Madrid, I had a dream.

I'm sure this was triggered by work stress, and made manifest by my stress around this huge game. Regardless, I dreamed that Real Madrid manager Carlo Ancelotti planted a stuffed bear (with one of those nanny cams) in my home so that he could spy on me. Horrified that I might inadvertently betray Arsenal's secret game plan, I instead staged conversations with my husband discussing Arsenal's fake tactics.

Before you ask, yes, Carlo Ancelotti targeted me. Yes, in my dream, I was privy to Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta's innermost thoughts. My subconscious really is THAT GIRL, huh. Here's hoping your dreams have been less weird (or equally weird, if you're into that).

We'll get to Champion's League shortly because this is a huge week for both Arsenal and Aston Villa. But before then, let's start at the bottom of the Premier League table.

Southampton worse than Sheffield United & Derby?

I thought last year's Sheffield United was really scraping the bottom of the barrel in terms of quality. But Southampton have been all, "hold my beer, Steel City."

Southampton were officially relegated in Gameweek 31, making them the first team in Premier League history to be relegated with seven matches left to go. A dubious honor to be sure!

Poor Aaron Ramsdale. In two years, he's gone from the first-choice 'keeper at Arsenal, then duking it out with Manchester City for the title, to a team doomed for relegation.

I'd say the highlight of his season has been that time he dressed up as Hagrid. (YER A WIZARD HARRY.)

Southampton immediately fired their manager following the loss at Tottenham, because what else were they supposed to do? Admit their team was the problem?

Now, their sole objective is avoiding the ignominy of being the worst team ever. They must get more points than the Derby squad of 07/08, who finished the league on 11. But I don't think anyone other than maybe those same ex-Derby players really care.

Southampton have been woeful, but so have the other newly-promoted teams. Leicester sink from new low to new low each week. Ruud van Nistelrooy is routinely crying on the touchline, or perhaps teetering on the verge of lacing up his own boots.

Meanwhile, Ipswich just watched their last hope evaporate when they lost to Wolves this past weekend. When, not if, Southampton, Ipswich, and Leicester are relegated, it will be the first time the newly-promoted teams have all been relegated in consecutive seasons.

With formerly middling teams like Crystal Palace, Brentford, Fulham, and Nottingham Forest playing well and rising to historic heights, the gulf between the Premier League and the Championship may be too vast to bridge.

When there are more cards than goals

There are lots of different things that make games exciting. Huge saves. Last-gasp goals. Lots of...cards?

I was immensely entertained to tune into the Crystal Palace-Brighton game (en route to the farm with our 2-year-old, thanks Sirius XM) in time to hear the commentator say that Palace were down to 9 men. NINE MEN!? What happened?

I'll tell you what. Eddie Nketiah.

The former Arsenal man touched the ball a whopping two times, and still somehow got two yellow cards in nine minutes. The first was a spectacular swan dive that was (correctly) called for simulation, while the second was a high boot aimed against Jan Paul van Hecke. Palace's Marc Guehi also received two yellows, as did van Hecke, but nobody did it with as much style as Eddie.

Eddie later apologized on Instagram, and then deleted his apology.

As the saying goes, live, laugh, learn.

A special mention goes to Palace's Jean-Philippe Mateta, whose ear required 25 stitches to keep it attached to his head. I loved seeing him and his new, avant-garde helmet back in action. Especially since I have him on my fantasy team and he scored.

Allez-vous, JP!

That Ipswich back pass

On the subject of bonkers football decisions, we can't not talk about the craziest 2 minutes of football in the Ipswich-Wolves game.

Here's a refresher.

Ipswich were up 1-0 against Wolves. Ipswich defender Dara O'Shea passed a routine ball back to his 'keeper, Alex Palmer, who did what I used to do playing in the backyard with my brothers. He missed the ball...entirely. He was then forced into a desperate goal line clearance, but because he used his hands, the ref called a foul.

However, there's an exception for goalies in the event of a back pass. So the ref called for an indirect free kick, meaning that two players have to touch the ball before a goal can be scored.

Ipswich basically turned every single one of their players into makeshift goalies as Wolves' biggest, scariest dude tried to hit the ball as hard as possible.

Modern-day football is supposed to be a like a beautiful, free-flowing game of possession and high press, but this was not it.

Big Ange has finally cracked

Tottenham won this past weekend, but beating Southampton isn't anything to brag about. It's a given.

The week prior, Tottenham lost 0-1 to Chelsea. At one point, it looked like Spurs had equalized, but Pape Matar Sarr's goal was disallowed.

Before this happened though, Tottenham manager Ange Postecoglou turned to the home fans and cupped his ear. These same home fans had been chanting, "You don't know what you're doing" when Ange took off Lucas Bergvall for Sarr, so Ange's gesture read as petty. Almost like he was asking, "what do you have to say to me now?"

DUDE these fans are supposed to be on your side.

Ange denied goading the fans, testily telling reporters after the match, "Jeez mate, it's incredible how things get interpreted."

Mkay. Touchy much, mate?

It's the latest tense interaction between Big Ange and the Tottenham fans. There was also that time he confronted the fans after Tottenham lost at Bournemouth in December. In March, when a fan asked, "What the f*** was that" after Tottenham lost to Fulham, Ange stopped and told him to "behave yourself."

This manager-fan relationship is hanging by a thread RN, and so is Ange's job.

Your UCL Update

We've saved the best for last.

I'm not going to lie. I've had a tough week month 2025. And as much as I try to focus on things within my own control, my mood is often buoyed by Arsenal's performance. Even though we're in second place in the Premier league, our season has been marred by awful injuries and bizarre PGMOL decisions.

But you know what? Great teams don't make excuses.

In the Champion's League quarterfinals, up against the reigning champions and the Galacticos of the universe, we rose...just like Christian Bale in "The Dark Knight Rises" when he climbs out of that cave that's weirdly in the middle of the desert.

The whole squad was incredible. Kiwior (whom I admittedly doubted) filled in well for our injured Gabriel, 18-year-old Myles Lewis-Skelly was bravery personified, Bukayo Saka was everywhere, Mikel Merino was HUNGRY for a goal, and Dec...

Words fail. So here's a gif.

Here's the gif in slow motion.

Look up top bins in the dictionary. This is it.

Dec scored two world-class free kicks and Mikel Merino added gloss to the victory with a gorgeous third goal. 18-year-old Myles assisted. 3-0 to the Arsenal and we go to the Bernabeu next.

It's one of the best nights in our history and I'm still buzzing.

The only other English side left in the Champion's League is Aston Villa. Unfortunately, they lost to a high-flying PSG side, but at least Prince William got to celebrate their early lead.

Much ado was made of the fact that the Prince of Wales has been "gallivanting" around watching soccer matches instead of running the country. (Whoever actually said this is a fun ruiner.)

Props to Wills. If I was royalty, I'd make it my first priority to attend all Arsenal matches.

What else did you miss?

• Legendary midfielder Kevin de Bruyne is hanging up his boots at the end of this season. It's likely he'll head to Inter Miami to hang out with David Beckham and Leo Messi and the rest of the aging football A-listers.
• Liverpool lost to Fulham. It's kind of anti-climactic because they're already so far ahead in the league, but you have to wonder whether they're headed for another end-of-season breakdown.
• Bayern Munich (deservedly) lost to Inter Milan in the Champion's League quarterfinals. This is the first time the German side has lost at home in the UCL since 2021. It begs the question: Is Vincent Kompany (former manager of Burnley FC) really the right man to steer Bayern to glory?