Your Update: Gameweeks 33 & 34 (Plus Some Things That Happened Off The Pitch)

Greetings from North Carolina, where I'm in full vacay mode and only opening up this computer because I love the EPL.

And it's a good thing I have, because a lot has happened. Liverpool won the Premier League! Jamie Vardy is leaving Leicester! Ipswich & Leicester joined Southampton in the relegation zone, while Burnley and Leeds have clinched promotion! Eddie Howe has returned from his sickbed!

Also, in unrelated news, Pope Francis has died...right after meeting with J.D. Vance, no less. RIP, sir.

Lots to unpack, so let's get to it.

Liverpool win the Premier League!

To absolutely no one's surprise, Liverpool have clinched the title! Huge congrats to the Reds, who have undoubtedly been the best most consistent team all season long.

Please enjoy this heartwarming pic of the people's Egyptian king, Mo Salah, celebrating with his subjects.

It feels fitting that Liverpool mathematically won the title after thrashing one of the more hapless teams this season, Tottenham Hotspur. You guys s**k.

On hand to watch Liverpool's victory were Millie Bobbie Brown and Owen Cooper. I know Millie Bobbie Brown because I've watched all four seasons of "Stranger Things," though admittedly I watched S4 through my fingertips. Vecna scared the pants off me IYKYK.

I did not know who Owen Cooper was, so I Googled. Turns out he starred as a kid convicted of murder in "Adolescence," so clearly, he and Millie have trauma-bonded over playing psychotic characters.

OBV I'd prefer Arsenal to win the title, but I'm so thrilled it's somebody other than Manchester City that I've deigned to read media coverage about it. (In previous years, I was too depressed to do this.) That's how I learned the secret behind Liverpool's success: the installation of a coffee bar at their training center. The Athletic reported,

"[The coffee bar] quickly became a place for Slot's players to congregate and socialise both before and after training–fostering a sense of camaraderie and togetherness... Salah and Dominik Szoboszlai were soon among the regulars for popular barista Alex."

OK. First of all, the bar is on the ground if the players didn't have a coffee/tea bar at Kirkby. There is a coffee machine plus tea bags in my hotel room right now and we didn't exactly spend the big bucks. Secondly, this is just a reminder to employers everywhere that it's 2025, morale is in the toilet, and you must invest in your employees if you want to be successful.

Who knows? Show them a little more TLC and your employees could win you the English Premier League title that new client you've been after.

Niclas Fullkrug loses his s**t

Jumping from the top of the table to somewhere near the bottom.

West Ham have had a strange season. They're not good. And while they're bad, making fun of them isn't that satisfying because (unlike Tottenham/Manchester United) they haven't fallen from lofty heights. They're just ... there.

West Ham's overall performance this season can be summed up by their 1-1 draw against Southampton a few weeks ago. After Southampton's Lesley Ugochukwu scored late in stoppage time to burst West Ham's bubble(s), Niclas Fullkrug didn't hold back in his post-match interview.

Niclas blamed the entire team for the draw, saying that West Ham has "a mindset problem." He added,

"We showed that we can go in-behind and that we have the chances to score again. But the motivation...sorry, we were s**t. I'm very angry."

New manager Graham Potter, ever the diplomat, said that he wished Niclas had been less forthcoming in his assessment. He told media,

"I think for me it's better to have the conversations in private, not in public. ... You need to be honest. ...And then you have to think about the team as well. We have a responsibility to the team and the club. And from my perspective, sometimes I could be honest about how I really feel. But I don't think it's helpful to the players. I don't think it's helpful to the club."

Niclas, I too have things I'd like to say about my job. But I don't go screaming about it to the media. Put on your corporate hat, dude! Or do they not do that in Germany?

Of course, this person on Reddit (with the NSWF username) thought Niclas had the right idea.

Catch Vitor Pereira in the pub

The antithesis of Graham Potter is manager Vitor Pereira, who has totally transformed Wolverhampton Wolves since taking the reins in 2025. Wolves were 17th when Vitor came on the scene. Now, they're 13 and fresh off a six-match win streak in all competitions.

I cannot speak to Vitor Pereira's tactics, but I can speak to his "points then pints" philosophy. After Wolves win, he likes to go hang out with fans down at the local pub. A true man of the people!

Per the BBC, local bar supervisor Luke Tomkinson said that his staff told him that "the big man was coming" shortly after Wolves triumphed 4-2 over Tottenham. "The big man" of course, was Vitor. Luke further shared that Vitor was the life and soul of the post-match party (read: "doing a lot of the chanting"). Luke added,

"As a Wolves fan I was loving it, as a ... manager I was hating it because a lot of my staff had already clocked out by this point."

Forget playing out from the back. Forget high press. Forget tiki-taka. Quality bar time with the fans is the blueprint for success in 2025!

Jamie Vardy leaving Leicester

While Vitor is apparently here to stay, it's now time to say goodbye to a Premier League icon. Jamie Vardy is leaving Leicester.

For a quick refresh on 39-year-old Jamie Vardy's meteoric rise to fame, please refer to the below (dated from the 2019-2020 season).

The highlight of Jamie's career is winning the Premier League with Leicester in 2016. It's one of the most unbelievable underdog stories in sports history. It's SO unbelievable that "Match of the Day" pundit Gary Lineker vowed to go on live TV in his underwear if Leicester did indeed win the title.

He's a man of his word.

Another career highlight for Jamie was the time he reminded Tottenham fans that they have 0 Premier League trophies and he has 1.

Banter at its best, mate.

Jamie will also live on in my memory as the man who liked to put skittles in his vodka before drinking it because he thought the alcohol needed something a little *ExTrA~.

Cue his wife, Rebekah Vardy, capitalizing on that cash cow with a vodka brand no one is ever going to drink: SK-TL Vodka.

Now that Jamie is leaving Leicester, what will he do next?

• Option 1: Retire from football, make like his wife and join the likes of "I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here"
• Option 2: Join Wrexham, the Welsh football club co-owned by Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney
• Option 3: Go to Saudi. Boo.
• Option 4: Join the rest of the washed-up elites at Inter Miami. (I exclude Messi from this list. The GOAT will never be washed up.)

Either way, you haven't seen the last of Jamie!

A spotlight on Burnley

Leicester has ping ponged back and forth between the Championship and the Premier League, but so has Burnley.

Making the jump from the Championship to the Premier League has arguably never been more difficult. Case in point: This is the first time in Premier League history that all three promoted teams have been relegated in consecutive seasons.

But is there hope for Burnley? It's early days, but here's why I'm feeling hopeful about their prospects.

Firstly, they're managed by one of the best-dressed managers out there, the inimitable Scott Parker.

Scott has a proven history of taking teams from the Championship to the Premier League. And he knows full well what it's like in the Premier League.

Secondly, Burnley have learned from an abysmal 2023-2024 season in the Premier League under former manager Vincent Kompany. Vincent's team was all about expansive, possession-focused football. The new-and-improved Burnley have rebuilt their team on a bedrock of defensive solidity. In the 2024-2025 season, they conceded 15 goals in 44 goals.

That's not just a Championship record. That halves the previous record.

Burnley might not be as fun to watch, but you can bet they won't be faffing around by playing the ball out of the back again.

I'd love to see Burnley do well this time around. Hopefully, you do too!