Your Update: Gameweeks 5 & 6

Hello!

Or more appropriately, aloha, as I've just returned from Hawaii. In case you're curious about my whereabouts–as all of you are, I'm sure– I've been ~14,000 feet up on Mauna Kea!

In the two gameweeks since I've last posted, enough has happened in the Premier League to make my head spin. That's why I've opted to consolidate your week 5 & 6 highlights into one post.

Well that, and I'm severely jet lagged.

Grab a coffee or tea or your morning drug of choice and settle in. This is the most exciting league in the world for a reason.

Arsenal & the dark arts

Where else did you think I was going to start?

It's been an incredible start to the season for our Gunners, who very nearly beat Manchester City at the Etihad two Saturdays ago.

City's Erling Haaland opened the scoring but Arsenal led at half time, thanks to two brilliant strikes from Riccardo Calafiori and Gabriel Magalhaes. Just before the half however, the ref sent off Leo Trossard for kicking the ball away, similarly to Declan Rice's red card in the Brighton match. It was a stunning decision – not only because City's Jeremy Doku behaved similarly and was not penalized – but because it completely changed the trajectory of the high-octane, high-stakes match.

Playing a man down, Arsenal settled into a low block and heroically held off the best team in Europe until the 98th minute. The match ended 2-2.

It was interesting to see the fallout after the final whistle. Erling Haaland threw the ball at the back of Gabriel Magalhaes' head (one of the first signs the Norwegian cyborg is indeed human), and still evaded punishment.

The Man City players then came out in full force to criticize Arsenal's gamesmanship. In particular, Bernardo Silva and John Stones pointed the finger at Arsenal's use of the "dark arts" – aka, their time wasting, defensive shape, etc.

A couple years ago, the narrative around Arsenal was that they were young and naive. Sure, they had talent, but they were lacking that battle-hardened edge that's so characteristic of champions. If Arsenal manager Mikel Arteta has trained his squad in the "dark arts" now (and he has), it's because he knows they can't lack any advantage. He's readying his players for war.

And now that Arsenal are showing teeth instead of smiling, City feels threatened.

Let's move on. Writing about City too much makes me cranky.

This past Saturday, Arsenal beat Leicester City FC 4-2. Though the stats tell a story of Arsenal's overwhelming dominance and attacking might, luck was on Leicester's side. After the Foxes equalized to make it 2-2, it took two stoppage time goals for the Gunners to pull through.

For the Gunners to very nearly scrape a win away at Man City, and then give us some incredibly attacking-minded football when facing down an unlikely draw against Leicester tells us how they've grown and matured (even since last year).

On "The Lowe Down," Rebecca Lowe said,

"Every week ... feels like a different test and this is an Arsenal team that are passing it. The game against Manchester City was a different test. They passed it ... Yesterday against Leicester, to be in the 94th minute and manage to pass it and get another goal, a different kind of test."

How are Man City going to cope without Rodri?

Another big talking point following the Arsenal-Manchester City game was Rodri's ACL injury.

The Spanish midfielder–widely lauded to be the best in the world– went down early in the game with a season-ending ACL injury. It's a huge blow to the Cityzens because Rodri is their creator-in-chief. In the past two weeks, I've read a lot of articles yammering on about his impressive stats, his incisive passing, his control of the midfield blah blah blah.

The basic takeaway: City win more when Rodri plays. And I guess their 1-1 draw at Newcastle this past weekend was demonstrative of the difference he makes in the squad.

What's also interesting is the timing of this injury in relation to Rodri's comments about players striking due to their packed match schedules. Between the new expanded-format Champion's League, the regular season, the FA Cup, the EFL Cup, international games, the Club World Cup etc., these dudes play football like every other day.

When asked about players striking, Rodri said,

"Yes, I think we are close to that. If it keeps this way we will have no other option. It is something that worries us."

And then bada bing, bada boom, Rodri's ACL is out for the count like a week later. The universe is LOLing.

Brr!

No disrespect to Mr. Erling Haaland, King of the Norwegian Vikings, Lord of all the Goals, but Cole "Cold" Palmer is just way more exciting to watch.

In his interviews, Cole/Cold has all the personality of wet paint. But on the field, Mr. Chippy Chips is electric.

Last weekend, he broke records by scoring four goals IN THE FIRST HALF ALONE against a somewhat hapless-looking Brighton. Speaking about Cole, Brighton manager Fabian Hurzeler said,

"[Chelsea] had one amazing player that punished every mistake we made. He punished every individual mistake. You can't stop him in one-against-one situations. We have to defend against him as a team."

The thing about Cole is that he's never fazed by high-pressure situations. He has yet to miss a penalty. He was England's only goal scorer in the Euro 2024 final. The man's got absolute nerves of steel. Brr!

Of course, some people say that the reason Cole never looks fazed is because there's not much going on up there [*taps forehead]. Listen to any one of Cole's interviews, and his responses are basically an amalgamation of "dunno" "chippy chips" "erm" "wut."

I'll leave it to you to ponder Cole's off-pitch IQ. The one thing I do know is that you gotta have him on your Fantasy Premier League (FPL) team if you're serious about winning.

James Maddison's mom isn't a regular mom, she's a cool mom

Tottenham Hotspur haven't had the best start to the season. In their opening 5 matches, they lost to Newcastle and Arsenal, and tied Leicester City. James Maddison is one of their better players, but he's also had a slow start to the season–until now.

James scored in Tottenham's 3-1 win over Brentford two weekends ago. He also played a key role in helping his team dismantle the Red Devils last Sunday.

At the end of the Brentford game, James took off his shirt and threw it in the air. The ref promptly gave him a yellow card.

Do you know who was most upset about James' celebration? His mom–but not for the reasons you're thinking. In his post-match interview, James explained,

"My mum just texted me and said, 'Keep your top on next time because I've got you in my fantasy team and I got minus one for the yellow card.'"

Mrs. Maddison, you're my hero.

Predicting the length of Erik Ten Hag's stay at Old Trafford

Above, I mention that Tottenham recently beat Manchester United, but "dismantling" is a kind word for what really happened.

Tottenham fullback Mickey Van de Ven marked the beginning of the end for Man U when he embarked on a breathtaking run, dribbling the length of the field, and lining up a shot for Brennan Johnson, who tapped it in. The match ended 3-0 and United played a man down after Bruno Fernandes was sent off. But Tottenham could have scored even more goals.

In their worst-ever start to a season, Man U currently sit 13th in the table. They've only won twice in six games. And following the defeat against Tottenham, they've lost back-to-back matches at home without scoring once.

Other clubs are laughing at the once-mighty United. Jadon Sancho is gleeful, having reposted a tweet from Chelsea FC that shows him grinning at his teammate Cole Palmer, as if in response to his former club's woes.

I've written quite a lot about Man U's struggles in the past few months and that's exactly my point. How does United manager Erik Ten Hag still have a job? Well, the only thing that might be saving him is cash money, baby.

When Manchester United co-owners decided to keep Erik in the summer, they triggered the one-year extension to his existing deal. Because of that, it's estimated that firing him now would cost the Red Devils around £16 million. Plus, they'd have to hire a bunch of new people on top of all that financial loss–and the market isn't exactly flush with prime managerial talent at the moment.

Nevertheless, bookies have Erik as the favorite to be the next manager to leave a Premier League club. Odds are 7/4, if you're feeling lucky.

Flying starts at Craven Cottage & City Ground

Where one door closes, another one opens. And while Erik Ten Hag struggles, other managers are thriving.

The surprise of the season (so far) has to be Fulham and Nottingham Forest. Fulham are currently enjoying their best-ever start to a Premier League season (with 11 points amassed).

Meanwhile, Forest proved that David still occasionally has his day over Goliath when they beat the mighty Liverpool at Anfield.

Forest are a different team this year, after strengthening their squad over the summer. Clearly, manager Nuno Espirito Santo has learned how to get the best out of Morgan Gibbs White and Anthony Elanga–and with midfielder Elliott Anderson making an immediate impact–this Forest side are aiming high.

Likewise, Arsenal Academy product Emile Smith-Rowe has settled in well at Fulham, with 2 goals and an assist in 6 appearances. Love you, ESR 🥹.

ESR is joined at Fulham by his buddy and fellow ex-Gooner, Reiss Nelson. Reiss has already scored once for Fulham so far this season, against Newcastle.

I guess you could say the old Arsenal boys are making a difference at Craven Cottage.

Kudos!!

And kudos to you too, if you've read this far. I'll get back on the regular posting schedule next week. In the meantime, I'm sending good vibes from my ohana family to yours!