Your Update: Premier League Gameweeks 1 & 2

Let's start with the most important news first.

I am ecstatic for my close, personal friend Taylor Swift...who is now ENGAGED! To say I have been humming "It's a love story, baby, she said YES" under my breath for the past 72 hours is, sadly, not an exaggeration.

What this has to do with the Premier League, I do not know. Except maybe this meme.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, shall we proceed?

Ars-EZE-nal's new star!

Please excuse the horrific pun. But shortly after I posted last week's transfer update, news was already breaking that Arsenal had hijacked Eberechi Eze's transfer to Tottenham.

For Eze, the move is more than just a signing — it’s a full-circle redemption arc. Released by the Arsenal academy at 13, he admitted to being devastated over the setback and carrying that memory throughout his rise at Crystal Palace. (Also, he briefly contemplated quitting football and going to work at Tesco, lol.) Anyway, despite Spurs pushing hard for his signature, Eze always had his heart set on North London’s better half.

So, just as Eze was set to sign with Tottenham, he picked up the phone for one last call...to manager Mikel Arteta. Timing literally couldn't have been better because Kai Havertz's knee injury had created another headache for sporting director Andrea Berta. Within hours, Eze had his dream move, and Spurs were left clutching their favorite thing: disappointment.

Hijacking Spurs makes it sweeter, but in a more pure way, I'm thrilled for Eze. I cannot remember ever seeing a player this giddy to sign for Arsenal. Just look at his face.

Eze's palpable joy is a reflection of something bigger happening at Arsenal. Players like Eze and Viktor Gyökeres are desperate to wear the badge, and the club is showing a newfound willingness to spend big to get their targets.

Call me delusional (and I definitely am) but THIS YEAR'S OUR YEAR.

The Football Gods Give and Take Away

If the first two weeks of the season have taught me anything, it’s that nothing is certain in football.

Week one had Sunderland thumping West Ham, City cruising past Wolves 4-0, Burnley rolling over and showing their soft underbelly to Spurs, and Brentford looking hopeless against Nottingham Forest. Everybody was betting on City to dominate again and I put money down on Sunderland staying up in the Premier League.

But JOKE'S ON ME because then week two happened. Suddenly Burnley are thumping Sunderland?? Brentford handled Aston Villa and Spurs took care of City, thanks to some truly abysmal goalkeeping by Mr. Trafford. la la la.

So, do I even know anything about football? The answer is no.

Well… with one exception. If you’re Manchester United, things can always get worse.

United spent a boatload of money (that I'm not convinced they even have) to bolster their attacking lineup—signing Wolves’ best player Matheus Cunha, Brentford’s star Bryan Mbeumo, and everyone’s favorite Slovakian, Benjamin Sesko.

AND THEN THEY WENT AND LOST TO GRIMSBY TOWN IN THE CARABAO CUP. BAHAHAHA.

I could not point to Grimsby Town on a map if my life depended on it. (My dad informed me it's an "east coast fishing town;" I've also heard it referred to as "rainswept." I find both descriptions unhelpful.)

Fact of the matter is that Grimsby Town are a fourth league team. That's (counts) three divisions and 60+ places below United in the great footballing hierarchy of England. And it's not like Ruben Amorim played a third-string squad of 15 and 16-year-olds. Mbeumo was on the pitch! So were Cunha, Fernandes, and Sesko! Ironically, Mbeumo later missed his penalty, just adding insult to injury.

I could go on about how awful this is for United, but I don't have to. The internet had a field day.

Here's why it's relevant for the Premier League: This was supposed to be United's "now or never" reset. They offloaded a ton of players and spent big on attacking talent. They needed to do SOMETHING to recover and rebuild after the dumpster fire that was last year's season. If Amorim doesn’t pull it together, and United keep relying on defender-turned-striker Harry Maguire for miracles, we could be looking at a decline far worse than anyone imagined.

Afterwards, Amorim told reporters, "I've got nothing to say."

What else was he supposed to do?

The Isak Saga: Liverpool vs. Newcastle

Liverpool are another team who have spent big on new talent, signing the likes of Hugo Ekitike and Florian Wirtz this transfer window. They've also been circling Newcastle's star striker Alexander Isak for months, because apparently they believe the whole world is their transfer market.

The problem? Newcastle don’t want to sell. The bigger problem? Isak wants out. He’s thrown a very expensive hissy fit and essentially exiled himself from the squad until someone hands him a Liverpool shirt.

The tension boiled over on Monday when Newcastle faced Liverpool at St. James’ Park. It ended 3-2 to Liverpool, but the Reds needed an 100th minute goal from a 16-year-old to win. (How do they keep getting away with these last, last-minute goals?)

Credit to Newcastle, who fought hard, even while down a man in the second half after Anthony Gordon got sent off for foul play. But the real foul is his new look as a jazzercise instructor circa 1987, just saying.

Seriously. What is this.

It was definitely an entertaining game, even if it ended in a worst case scenario for Newcastle. The fallout has been intense. Anthony Gordon's red card means he gets a three-match ban. Fabian Schär has a concussion. Sandro Tonali and Joelinton are both injured.

Eddie Howe is left clutching at pieces of a squad that feels like it's held together with duct tape and prayers.

According to the reports I've been frantically reading, Liverpool are set to make a record £130m bid for Isak before the transfer window closes on September 1. Newcastle have also signed Stuttgart striker Nick Woltemade, and they have their eye on Mbeumo's bestie Yoanne Wissa, too.

Do Newcastle hold firm on Isak? Or is the Swede destined for Merseyside? Sadly, I think it's the latter–and if there's a silver lining here, it's that Arsenal play Newcastle this weekend (so at least we know Isak won't be on the pitch).

Jack Grealish 2.0

Move over, Anthony Gordon. You know who else has a new hairdo?

Jack!

In all fairness, Jack did just become a dad, and maybe he's realized that having a curtain of hair flopping in your face when you're trying to change your toddler's diaper is a tactical nightmare. I speak from experience here.

Honestly, this new look is working way better for him than whatever was happening on his head before.

But the real glow-up is his Everton debut. At the Toffees’ shiny new stadium, Jack bagged two assists as Everton beat Brighton 2-0. Some context: that's the exact same number of assists he had in his last two Premier League SEASONS at Manchester City.

As Jack himself would say (and did): "Phwoaaar."

It's only the third time in his career Jack has managed 2 or more assists in a game (the last was in 2022). And he also led the team in possessions won (7), tied for most tackles (3), and carried the ball progressively more than anyone else on the pitch.

You guys probably know I'm no Grealish fan. Half the fun is trolling the absurd things he says and does off the pitch. Or listing all the words he doesn't know. There are lots of them.

But it's always exciting when we see a talent that we thought might fizzle out find his spark again. If this Everton cameo is anything to go by, Grealish 2.0 might just be worth watching!

Lastly, in closing, I'll leave you with some news that dropped just yesterday: the Champion's League draws. Cue the most predictable twist in European football: Manchester City vs. Real Madrid. Again. Every single year.

Arsenal have some tricky matches--"banana skins," as my dad would say--but we also play a club called Kairat Almaty in Kazakhstan.

We better beat them like 8-1, otherwise I’m canceling our family's Paramount+ subscription on principle.